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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27899896">I Couldn't Stay Away</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Seder/pseuds/Seder'>Seder</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Severus Snape Has a Heart, Snape's Worst Memory, Teen Romance, Young Love, Young Severus Snape</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 17:34:46</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Underage</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>22,880</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27899896</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Seder/pseuds/Seder</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Lily and Severus are struggling through mutual pinning for each other. While Severus’ attraction is strongly emotional, Lily’s crush is very physical. A story about the discovery of love, teenage angst and sexual awakening.  Starting mid-fifth year at Hogwarts.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Lily Evans Potter/Other(s), Lily Evans Potter/Severus Snape, Severus Snape/Other(s)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>41</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>93</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. The Waters of March</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hello my dears! This is a story that I began writing around eight years ago… I have been wanting to go back to it for a very long time, and here I am, finally! The original was published on FF. This is much longer though, it’s basically a complete re-write that simply keeps some of the scenes that I had in my original story. It also centers more on Lily’s perspective than I had initially planned. Still, it’s gonna be pretty much Snape-centric and Snape-positive so be warned if that’s not your cup of tea. As the tags indicate, they will both be with other people and… I haven’t decided on an ending yet, so I have that to look forward to as well! Let me know what you think!!</p><p>My intention with this story is to explore crushes/young love from different perspectives. Severus and Lily are very different people, so I figured that how they started feeling attraction for one another (or anyone, for that matter) was also very different. And maybe, if they were (are?) to end up together, they need to explore and learn too, rather than just find true love in each other at 16. I hope that neither form of attraction comes off as negative, and that I have managed to reflect in the writing style their contrasting thought processes and perception of events. Some chapters will be told from Snape's pov, some from Lily's, some from both of them. Be warned that the parts that follow Lily’s perspective are from the very beginning quite explicit, while Severus’ are sometimes emotionally heavy and often angstier.</p><p>Also, I don’t know if there’s such a thing as Spring Break in canon (maybe Easter Break?) and at this point I don’t particularly care to check, so let’s say there is. I thought it was a good point in time to begin the story. </p><p>Hope you like it :) comments are very much appreciated.</p>
    </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p></p><div class="center">
  <p>
    <i>The Waters of March ~ Susannah McCorkle</i>
  </p>
  <p>And the riverbank sings<br/>Of the waters of march<br/>It's the promise of spring<br/>It's the joy in your heart</p>
</div></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Severus was sitting in his bed, reading some schoolbook or other, the title and content of which completely eluded him. It was probably something on charms. His eyes were following the lines in the pages, moving over the words, but his brain was refusing to process any sort of information. It was the end of March and still quite cold outside. It was spring break and many students had taken the opportunity to go home, possibly make a small family trip. The seventh years were all gone, traveling together in some attempt at enjoying life before their NEWTs.</p><p>Severus did not go home. He never went if he could avoid it. Home was Hogwarts, wasn't it? It was supposed to be. It should have been. To the best of Severus’ knowledge, the idea of <em>home</em> was meant to evoke a place where you feel safe and loved. Things at school were becoming much more complicated and he was not sure he felt safe anymore. Confrontations with the stupid better-brawny-than-brainy Gryffindors had increased with their puberty. Apparently joking about his nose and overall greasiness made them look more manly or something. He was pointedly not intimidated by them. He hated them though. Hated how everyone loved them. Hated how everyone was unable to see how vile they were, how utterly childish, hurtful, spiteful they could be. Yet, he was the one any mother would warn her children about, because he was poor, uncared for, timid, brooding, ugly… self-hating. The stupid handsome golden boys could fucking plan a murder and it was all right in Dumbledore’s book. Him, on the contrary, had to prove himself. Because he was a Slytherin, he was dark, so he hated, and with a passion. Ah, yes, hate. Which also brings us to another problem in the brewing: the Dark Lord’s influence was becoming stronger by the minute, and rumors of recruiting were spreading like fiendfyre around the Slytherin dungeons.</p><p>Not that all of this worried him much of course. The reason for his lack of concentration was one of another sort. It was, of course, Lily Evans. What else? In a display of absolute loss of common sense, he had decided that it was a good idea to write her a letter on the last day before the break. And not the "I will miss you this week" sort. No. It was more on the lines of an "I cannot live without you" love declaration. What was he thinking about? He was Severus Snape. He was not supposed to do any sort of emotional display, not even with her. Poor. Uncared for. Timid. Brooding. Ugly. Severus Snape was not supposed to do this. Especially not with her because he simply could not risk scaring away the only person he cared about – and who cared back for him – in the entire school. In his entire life. She had not answered. For seven days now. And that was making him extremely uncomfortable. Retracing his actions, picturing the letter he had written in his mind, he tried to calm himself. It was not like he had literally written “I love you I want you to be my wife” or something crazy like that. So this was fine. Everything is fine. He had merely been feeling low on the last day of school… having to think about being alone, the ever-approaching OWLs, the events throughout the year, her drifting away… Because he knew. He realized she was drifting away. Slowly and steadily. It was meant to happen, he figured. So he wanted to remind her that it was important to him that she stayed. That he cared. That he needed her to care. Was this selfish? She was spending more time with her girlfriends lately. But he understood, it was perfectly normal. It was not good for him either to be seen with her at all times, since his Slytherin companions would start pestering him about blood purity. A risky discussion to have with his fellow snakes, considering his own bloodline. Was he being an asshole? Possibly. Probably. This was not fine. Would the letter sound like he was <em>requiring</em> her to stay friends with him? She would think him a creep now and by trying to make her stay he would just manage to fucking scare her off for good.</p><p>It was the Friday before the classes resumed again the following week, and Lily was supposed to arrive back at Hogwarts. That was what they had agreed on at least, so as to spend the weekend together. Severus was not sure that was happening anymore. Because he hadn’t heard back from her. For some brief moments, after sending the letter, he had dared to imagine how she might smile at his words. How she might hold that parchment dear, finding what was written there comforting. Hurrying to write back some sweet response.</p><p>He stood up and resolved to go have lunch. He was kind of late as it was, but he would probably be able to still grab something. He crossed the Slytherin common room without paying any attention to several students who were sitting on the sofa, lively chatting. The chill in the hallway made him shiver a bit. Maybe he should have put on a warmer jumper. He began walking through the corridors and stairs. As he entered the Great Hall, a figure came nearer, fast approaching, from his right. On instinct, his hand moved to grab the wand inside his pocket.</p><p>"Sev!" she called after him. Waving, smiling.</p><p>Oh Lily, it was Lily.</p><p>“I was waiting for you to come down for lunch, I got here almost two hours ago. Went to leave my truck, had lunch… I almost went looking for you at the library. I was starting to think you might have been swallowed down by one of those huge books you like to read.”</p><p>She seemed chirpy. Ok. Relax. That's a good sing.</p><p>"Yeah… I got caught up doing some reading. How are you?"</p><p>"Good, good. I’ve got some news! Petunia got a boyfriend.”</p><p>They began walking toward the Slytherin table, and she sat with him. Severus was hyperaware of everybody’s reaction around him when she sat down next to him. There were not many people at the castle just yet, and especially not having lunch that late. But still those who remained did curl up their noses at them. He ignored it.</p><p>"Does she, now?", he asked, genuinely amused.</p><p>“So, picture the most boring person you can imagine,” she paused, waiting for an actual response. He simply nodded, indicating he got it. He did not truly think about anyone in particular. “He’s ten times worse than that. All proper and catholic and boring and likes business and… I don’t know, like, an employee at the post office is more entertaining than him. He came over for lunch a couple of times and it was dreadful. I tell you, dreadful.”</p><p>“Did your parents like him?” what a stupid question to ask. Severus often wondered what Lily’s parents might think of him. Also he was extremely uninterested in Petunia’s dating life.</p><p>“Sure,” she shrugged. “He is well behaved, doesn’t seem like the type who’s gonna get their daughter pregnant and on drugs, so I guess that’s fine by them.”</p><p>“I’m sure your parents’ standards must be a little bit higher than that.”</p><p>She chuckled. It was nice joking with her. She seemed pretty nonchalant about the letter. Maybe she hadn’t gotten it for some reason?</p><p>“Yeah, probably. So, what have you been up to? Breaking hearts with your love letters?” There it was.</p><p>“Huh?” he turned to her. Panicked. Was she taking the piss? She wouldn’t, would she? Her face did not betray her. It appeared that she was joking. But also seemed to be waiting for him to say something. What did she expect him to say?</p><p>"Oh come on! After that letter you wrote now you are at a lost for words?," she said, smiling… teasingly?</p><p>"Lily… that wasn’t… a love letter… I simply wanted to thank you, for being there. I do not want you to think that…" she interrupted.</p><p>"Hey, don't fret,” she cut him off gesticulating with her hands and grabbing his arm. “I know you. I assumed that you got an emotional low or something. But, I want you to know that you are also my best friend Sev. I didn’t answer before because I wanted to tell you in person, because I do not say it usually and… Well, I know things at school are not wonderful for you… I am sorry if I am not always there."</p><p>And with that, she hugged him. So she was aware of her distancing. Stopping this train of thought, he hugged her back. He was not very accustomed to touch in general. He was not a touchy-feely person. People touching him often made him uncomfortable. He was feeling all of Lily’s body pressed against his. And this was… well, another kind of uncomfortable. He didn’t want to admit, not even to himself, how much comfort this gesture provided. He felt a pull to keep her there, to bring her closer. He didn’t though. He didn’t even hug her nearly as tightly as she was him.</p><p>After he finished his lunch, they went back to their respective dorms to grab a coat since Lily suggested going for a walk on the grounds. Possibly to be away from the looks that people gave them. Was it Severus’ imagination or had he actually heard a gasp from some random Slytherin girl when Lily hugged him at the table? Maybe she’d heard it too. He wondered if it was because she was a muggleborn. It could also be because there was a girl hugging Snape of all people. Poor. Uncared for. Brooding. Ugly Severus Snape. He took his scarf along with the coat. Both pieces of clothing were pretty worn out, and had holes in them. It was what it was. So he headed out in his old ugly clothes next to Lily, who was wearing a beautiful and new black coat that she had bought over the break. They were walking around the lake when she loudly sneezed.</p><p>“Are you cold?” he asked her.</p><p>“No, no. It was just a sneeze come on. You sound like my mom.”</p><p>It was nice to be with her, he thought. She did not judge him for his careless appearance or for being different from others. He knew that, in exchange, he was not allowed to judge her for being a Gryffindor, for being a muggleborn. He did not care about the latter. If it were not for that fact, he would have never made friends with her in the first place.</p><p>"By the way, I also met with my cousin over the break. She came to visit. Poor thing also had to meet my sister's dreadful boyfriend.”</p><p>“Which cousin?”</p><p>“Mm… I don’t think you’ve ever seen her, she doesn’t come around much. Susan is… I think twenty or so, lives in London. So, say, do you have any plans for the summer vacation?"</p><p>"Lily… you know that I don’t often go anywhere. Our situation at home…"</p><p>"Yes. Sorry. I didn't mean to bring that up…"</p><p>"No worries."</p><p>"Anyway, what I was trying to say" she looked at her feet "is that I am going to spend August in London with my cousin. She is a muggle and I feel that I need some time off the Wizarding World."</p><p>He understood what she really meant. She needed time away from the nose curling, gasping Slytherins.</p><p>"That's very nice. I’m sure you will have a great time there, Lils." He had never been to London beyond King’s Cross Station. He wasn’t sure if this was something Lily knew.</p><p>“Yes! I think it would be great. I also told Mary when I came back today. She was in our room when I got here, apparently, and I didn’t know this was the case, she stayed over the break because she is dating some older Ravenclaw. And they decided to stay together," she made a small pause. “Anyway, Sev, I wanted to invite you."</p><p>"Invite me?” he inquired, confused. He realized his mind had been wondering a bit. He had been talking about her cousin, and then Mary, Mary’s dating some guy?… His mind began to randomly consider dozens of absolutely inconceivable possibilities. Over to the Gryffindor common room? Her room? Hogsmeade?? They weren’t talking about Hogsmeade.</p><p>"I meant… I want you to come with me in August. I have already told my cousin and she does not have any problem with me bringing friends."</p><p>"I…" he tried to consider all the pros and cons in his head. He was not very fond of muggle culture knowing his father, but on the other hand, he would be spending a month with Lily away from all the other school kids bothering them. No studying. No Marauders. No Potter. No pestering Death Eater wannabes.</p><p>But. Money. The main problem was his parents and the money… He felt his chest tighten. It seemed to him that happiness was always only at arm’s length. But somehow unattainable. Always unattainable because of his stupid father, and his stupid muggleness, and his stupid lack of money, and his stupid treatment of…</p><p>"I don't think I'll have the money…"</p><p>"That's not a problem!”</p><p>“What do you mean money is not a problem?” he stopped in his tracks. He hated her a little, for saying that. Of course it wasn’t. Not for her. Of course happiness was attainable for her. He hated himself then, for hating her for having something he didn’t. He was a jealous bastard. He was glad she could attain happiness. He was. Truly.</p><p>“I didn’t… well, I mean…” she had caught on his disapproval. Good. Good? “My parents would take us there and we would be staying at my cousin's, you won't need much money Sev. But you can say no if you want! I won't get offended or anything."</p><p>"I would really love to, but I don't know if it's going to be possible Lily."</p><p>A sad glow appeared in the girl's eyes. It saddened him too. He wished for her to recover the happiness she seemed to have just moments before. Before he ruined everything. Poor. Uncared for. Timid. Brooding. Ugly Severus Snape.</p><p>"Well, there's still July to enjoy the summer together," and she smiled.</p><p>If he were to be honest with himself, Lily didn’t have it that easy either. And he knew. Severus knew that she was also having a bad time at school. She and all the other muggleborns, even him being a half-blood was to suffer from some of the propaganda that was being spread around the school. It was perfectly understandable that she wanted to forget about all of that for a while. And probably, it was best to let her truly forget about everything. In a sense, he was also part of it all.</p><p>"And in any case, there’s still a long way til August. And if you don't come, you can still write me those beautiful letters while I’m there so I won’t miss you too much," she added really teasing him, grabbing his arm. He hoped his face was not as read as he felt it was and turned the side of his lip slightly upwards, maybe a little proud now of his letter-writing skills. They continued walking about the grounds, arm in arm, for another hour until it started raining.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. I Wanna be Yours</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p></p><div class="center">
  <p>
    <i>I Wanna Be Yours ~ Artic Monkeys</i>
  </p>
  <p>If you like your coffee hot<br/>Let me be your coffee pot<br/>You call the shots, babe<br/>I just wanna be yours<br/>Secrets I have held in my heart<br/>Are harder to hide than I thought<br/>Maybe I just wanna be yours</p>
</div></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Already damp because of the rain, they entered the castle and soon came to the crossroads that separated their paths, Lily said a quick goodbye to Severus and turned around the corner. She had been somehow nervous to meet with Severus, and the more she thought about it the more nervous she made herself. It was good nerves though, she enjoyed them. The interaction with Severus had gone just fine and nothing seemed to have changed between the two of them. The question though was if Lily wanted things to go as usual. Nevermind what she had told him, the letter had deeply caught her attention and she had read it at least ten times. She pondered that maybe the emotional display was due to something other than the friendship he professed throughout the text. He was not a person inclined to displays of emotion, be it in the form of words or in the form of physical contact. One only had to see him hugging Lily a while ago. It was definitely not his thing.</p><p>Lily had liked the letter very much, it was sweet, it was… intriguing. It had sent her mind spiraling into the idea that maybe, just maybe, Severus fancied her. She had been thinking about that possibility for months, wondering what it would mean for their relationship if they were to like each other that way. She had found the possibility thrilling. It was exciting to have something new to discover, to unravel, about him. Her curious mind had been working full speed for weeks, distracting her from the classes, from her reading, even from their family during the short break this past week. She noticed other boys too of course, and she noticed how other boys noticed her back. The way Potter kept on pestering her about going on a date with him was flattering and despite her continued rejection she liked it. She wanted him to keep insisting because she liked being the one in control for once since when it came to her own emotions and desires she was at a complete loss. She liked how Potter looked at her. The thing was that she had never seen such a look in Severus's eyes. He was awkward in general, around people, even around her. So that made it difficult to figure out if she caused any reaction in him. And she did try. Boy, had she tried. It was just curiosity really, it didn’t mean that she actually wanted Severus to do something. And maybe the fact that she did not really expect him to act on his (hypothetical) desire was what drew Lily to him. </p><p>At this point, she knew that she was developing a crush. It was stupid really, she enjoyed the attention, she wanted to be sexy, in general, but because Severus was the person she spent most of her time with, she was simply hyperaware of him. And most importantly, aware of how he did not seem interested in girls, not her, not any girl… or any boy for that matter, she had considered that too. No. Cold, stoic, studious Severus Snape did not seem to have had a sexual awaking. Something that Lily had definitely gone through. And her girlfriends too, at that, because they did talk about it. Alice rambled about her crushes, Mary went on for hours on end about what a good kisser her boyfriend was, and Marlene spoke about her experiences with both boys and girls. It was maddening to Lily, who wanted to have those experiences too, wanted to so much, so so much, but just could not bring herself to be interested in anybody who was not Severus. Then again, she did not want to scare him off, maybe he did not want her. Maybe he did not want anyone. And this last thought was the one theory that was becoming more plausible by the minute.</p><p>The letter though the letter got her thinking. It was more emotional than anything else but it seemed to open up the possibility. And then, when she saw him today and she brought it up his words <em>not a love letter</em> rapidly burst Lily’s bubble. <em>I do not want you to think</em>. So she interrupted and did not think. She was not going to let him know that she <em>had</em> <em>thought</em>. It was kind of infuriating really how much she wanted him, how much she couldn’t look away from him, how much her body reacted to his presence. And Lily knew that Severus was not that attractive by anybody’s standards, but somehow, to her now sex-obsessed mind she found this sexier. It was his odd angles, his way too thin figure, his hair, his nose oh Merlin his nose. His handwriting too, by the way, was sexy. She may or may not have considered masturbating to his letter. In the end, it seemed a bit of a violation so she did not. It had been a surprisingly tough determination to uphold that one.</p><p>The hug today had been nice even if awkward. Lily cherished every single touch that she shared with Severus because they were scarce. Maybe that was also a reason for her attraction-crush-obsession. Even though they spent so much time together they did not touch a lot, which meant that every single time he touched her it sent a jolt of electricity through her that often caused a full-body shiver, which in turn, caused her nipples to harden. Well, it was happening now just thinking about it, imagine the gravity of the situation.</p><p>She had thought a lot about Severus during this past week, but of course, there was nobody to talk to about it. And this also seemed to aggravate her obsession because she could not vent. Was she supposed to tell Mary and Alice that she had the hots for Snape? Sure that would go down smoothly. She laughed out loud imagining the outrage in the girls’ voices. Lily knew that besides the obvious confusion caused by the fact that someone found Severus’ face attractive they would go on a diatribe about how Slytherins are evil and her, being a muggleborn, should know that canoodling with them was not very wise. These imaginary Mary and Alice were right too. Lily had her reservations about the rising power of the blood purist asshole overlord, of Sev’s admiration for the dark arts, of the boys he hanged around with. And she had made this abundantly clear to Severus. But, privately, she could admit to herself that she loved the thrill of being attracted to someone she was not supposed to be attracted to on so many levels: her best friend, a Slytherin, a non-attractive guy, possibly (although, she hoped, not really) a dark wizard… It was contradictory of course. But fantasizing about danger was a reasonable thing, wasn’t it? She thought it was.</p><p>Her mind drifted back to her cousin and the promise of her trip to London. The suggestion had come up during one of the family meals that Vernon, her sister’s dreadful boyfriend, had decided to crash (not really because he had been invited by their parents but fuck him anyway). He and Petunia announced ceremoniously that, if allowed, they would be attending some stupid summer course together. Something or other on entrepreneurship because unlike her Tuney was very interested in becoming a productive member of society. Bullshit. Their parents found the idea exciting and granted Petunia permission. So she got mad that her sister was going to spend time alone with her boyfriend. She had made a very obvious and loud display of her animosity, which undoubtedly gave Petunia the upper hand in the situation, allowing her sister to appear as the more mature one. Luckily, before Lily had time to literally jump at her sister and start a physical fight, Susan had come to the rescue. <em>Well, if Petunia is gonna be off with Vernon, why don’t you come join me for a couple of weeks in August?</em></p><p>The prospect of the trip was enticing from the moment she suggested it at the table in front of the rest of the family. But after dinner, she had accompanied Susan to sit on the porch, wrapped in her new coat and scarf so they could talk a little bit more about the plan, which then became decidedly perfect.</p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>“So, cousin,” Susan had said, taking a drag of her cigarette. “The thing is that seeing your sister and knowing that you go to this private posh school, I think you need to learn a bit more about the world you know, get out there, learn from the school of life!" Lily laughed, trying to play it cool. "Maybe find yourself a cool boyfriend instead of this sorry excuse for a male that your sister has found herself. Where did she pick him from anyways?”</p>
  <p>“I think he’s family of some friend of hers, from school… I could be wrong, I don’t pay much attention when he speaks.”</p>
  <p>“Of course you don’t. No sane person would.”</p>
  <p>“You sure I won’t bother you in London? If you are with your friends and all.”</p>
  <p>“No, no, that’s not a problem at all, how old are you now? Sixteen?” Lily nodded. “You could definitely come to the pub with us, and I will show all the cool places in the city.”</p>
  <p>“That would be amazing!” she couldn’t contain her excitement. “Say, you think I could have a friend tag along?”</p>
  <p>“Mmm… yeah, sure, we could make some space at the flat.”</p>
  <p>“Oh, that’s great! I can’t wait to tell him.”</p>
  <p>“Him? Wait, slow down kid,” Susan laughed loudly. “I thought you did not have a boyfriend.”</p>
  <p>“Oh no, no, I don’t, it is truly just a friend.” She realized way too late that she was moving her arms frantically and way too much, her nervousness showing.</p>
  <p>“Sure, sure. What happens in London stays in London,” Susan winked.</p>
</blockquote><p>It was kind of disappointing that Severus wouldn’t be able to go to London with her… maybe she could still convince him. There were a thousand scenarios of them together in the city that Lily had already played in her mind. Well, maybe it wasn’t so bad if Severus didn’t go, as her cousin had said, maybe she could take the opportunity to find some boy to date, have an intense short summer romance. And this she would be able to tell her friends back at Hogwarts. Maybe even make some boys jealous, if not Severus, definitely Potter would fume if he were to learn about mysterious sexy London boyfriend. As she arrived at the portrait of the Fat Lady, she told her the password and entered the Gryffindor common room grinning.</p><p>     *     *     *</p><p>The following day was a sunny day outside albeit still cold. Severus and Lily had been spending their morning sitting in the benches near the Quidditch pitch. They were drinking some hot chocolate that Lily had gotten from a house-elf and speaking about the subjects that they wanted to take the following year, and who else was going to take those subjects. Lily was sitting sideways, with her legs on each side of the bench, facing Severus.</p><p>“Are you planning on taking Arithmancy?” Lily asked.</p><p>“Are you? Not a very Gryffindor subject, is it?”</p><p>“Precisely. I know that Fenwick is taking it. We had this conversation over lunch once because nobody else seemed interested, so we agreed that we would both take it, at least so we wouldn’t be the only Gryffindors in the class.”</p><p>“That’s nice.”</p><p>“He has such a fine ass,” commented Lily, casually, extremely attentive to the boy’s reaction.</p><p>“Who?”</p><p>“Fenwick.”</p><p>“Does he?” asked Severus with disinterest.</p><p>“The only bad part is that he has a girlfriend,“ continued Lily. “Although maybe that’s good you know. He would know how to… It’s better if they have experience.”</p><p>“Of course,” he agreed.</p><p>She figured it was. She was spitting clichés she had heard from older girls who did indeed have experience and whom she envied. She did not move her eyes away from Severus, who was simply looking at the scenery. He was not having any reaction to her words whatsoever. It was very frustrating really, maybe her suspicions were right, maybe he was just not interested in anyone rather than not interested in her interest.</p><p>There was a long silence. Well, maybe it was not that long, it felt long to Lily though, because she was still concentrating on analyzing every single little reaction that Severus might be having. He looked red, but the air was chilly… he was so pale that he basically always looked red, be it because of the cold or because of the sun. He wasn’t wearing his scarf today and his exposed neck, as he had his hair drawn back, looked appetizing. Sweet Merlin Lily, control your fucking self.</p><p>“John propositioned me, by the way.”</p><p>“Which John?” asked Severus, a little bit too aggressively. Ah, so maybe he was not so disinterested after all. Possibly he was just being protective. Older brother type of thing.</p><p>“Sixth year, Hufflepuff.”</p><p>“Ahh… the one who dated the Gryffindor girl who’s friends with McKinnon in our year?”</p><p>“Wow. I did not know you were so up to date with gossip. And yes, the very same.”</p><p>“He is a bit of an asshole though,” he remarked, finally.</p><p>She decided that the logical course of action was to up the stakes. Screw politeness and dancing around the thing she really wanted to talk about, that she really wanted to ask him. Did he want to have sex. Was he having the same thoughts and pains she was having. Did he think about her in that way. She was dying to ask him but she couldn’t. She felt she was burning inside and it was confusing because probably she shouldn’t be thinking about this in relation to her friend and her sex craze was completely out of control at this point.</p><p>“He is… But he has such a big dick.”</p><p>“What… How… I don’t need to know that.” He fretted. Nervous. Good.</p><p>“You didn’t see him?”</p><p>“What the hell do you mean? Why would I…“</p><p>“At that one party! When they won the match.”</p><p>“I positively have no idea what you are talking about.”</p><p>“You were there because we went right after Slughorn’s club. You were hanging with Black and company.”</p><p>“Black?”</p><p>“The young one.”</p><p>“Ah, right.”</p><p>“So John, you remember?”</p><p>“No, Lily, I don’t remember John.” He was starting to sound annoyed. Was the fact that she was talking about other boys what was causing his annoyance or was it the implication of sex or was it the talk about size? She was now definitely wondering about Severus, so she did look down at his crotch and hoped he didn’t notice and continued focusing on trying to sound nonchalant.</p><p>“The thing is he got starkers’ at some point because he was drunk. He basically took off his pants and ... ‘hello, here’s my dick’. So yeah, it was big.”</p><p>Severus remained silent for a minute before going back to his original thought. “So what kind of person does that. As I said, an asshole.”</p><p>“He is.“ Lily agreed.</p><p>He finally, finally, turned sideways toward her, resting half his left leg over the bench.</p><p>“So your motivation to consider this subject’s proposition is that he has, as you put it, a big dick.”</p><p>The word dick in Severus’ mouth was resounding in Lily’s mind.</p><p>“No, I guess not. I don’t know. I’m curious,” she shrugged. “And just so you know, I am a virgin, so I was not talking about his dick because I have actually personally seen it directly.”</p><p>“Lily, surely, you have better people to discuss this with than me.”</p><p>“Which thing? Prospective sex or dicks?” she laughed.</p><p>“Both. Definitely both.” He laughed with her. That was nice, she thought, his laugh, deeper than it used to be.</p><p>“Well I don’t see why not, you have the latter, don’t you? So you could talk about it.”</p><p>He stared blankly at her.</p><p>“Fuck, Lily. Don’t say those things to me.”</p><p>“Why, sorry, I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable. I’m sorry.” If he was indeed not interested in sex this must have been making him really uncomfortable. She felt bad, she was being selfish, simply fishing for attention. What a crude excuse for seduction that had been, a sad display really.</p><p>“No, it’s fine,” he reassured her, seeing the concern on her face.</p><p>“Sorry. It was like in a… sisterly way.” Oh she was lying though.</p><p>“Sure, it’s fine. Nevermind. Do you... do you wanna go for a walk maybe?” he was already getting up, walking toward the lake.</p><p>“Yeah, sure,” she followed.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Where Is the Line</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p></p><div class="center">
  <p>
    <i>Where Is the Line ~ Björk</i>
  </p>
  <p> </p>
  <p>I want to be flexible<br/>I want to go out<br/>Of my way for you<br/>But enough is enough<br/>Where is the line with you?</p>
</div></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>As they were heading back Severus’ uneasiness had diminished a bit thanks to the chilly air. However, it was starting to build up again at the pit of his stomach. After Lily’s input about Fenwick and John and… fucking <em>dicks</em>, he had been sure while walking toward the lake that he just wanted to go in and drown himself. Uncared for. Brooding. Drama queen Severus Snape. The cold air did calm him down though. It was already too much to feel the attraction he felt for Lily, how much he cared about her. But that. No. Having to talk about these things was torture. He was really disturbed, pleasantly so mind you, by the way Lily's body had changed during the past years. She still had something from the sweet child's face that he had met seven years ago but she had grown several inches and… breasts, and hips, and legs… all beautifully combined. But this talk, of course, was too much, it was way too uncomfortable. Painful even. To have the reassurance that she did have that interest. That willingness to… explore. He did not want to be part of this. He wanted no part in her admiration for these guys that didn’t really know her and just wanted to... They probably didn’t care for her. Or maybe they did. In all honesty, he didn’t really know. Maybe some of them were good guys, maybe they will treat Lily right which was alright by him. Was it? In any case. Ugly Severus Snape did not want to hear about Fenwick’s ass. About John’s dick. It was unnerving to have to accept that the more interest she developed in these things the further apart they would grow. Sadly, that was a space that was not meant for them to share. And he accepted that. They were walking mostly in silence until they came close to the main entrance.</p><p>"Shall we go inside for a while?" she offered.</p><p>"Yes, of course. It’s almost lunchtime anyway.”</p><p>“How about we grab something to go and make our way to one of the study rooms on the second floor?”</p><p>This was something Lily liked to do. During the weekends they would often have lunch together in an empty classroom. The plan was to quickly make it to the Great Hall at the earliest time possible, steal some easy-to-put-in-your-pocket food from their respective House tables, and dash out of the room before anybody could say a word and question where in the name of Merlin were they going. Severus was sure that some of the more astute friends of Lily’s knew they were having lunch together. Away from everybody’s eyes. It was not like they were the only students who liked to avoid the Great Hall during weekends. But Severus’ friends did ask about his whereabouts. They also knew, or suspected. He often told them that he simply wanted to be alone, away from all the dunderheads making so much noise. The excuse seemed to hold up for the most part. It did make sense that lonely, brooding Severus Snape preferred to spend his time alone. Freaking Avery had noticed, though, that Miss Evans just so happened to be missing during lunch the same days that Severus was. So he had told Mulciber last month. And, one afternoon while they were sitting in the Slytherin common room, they had confronted him about it.</p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>“Say Snape, where did you have lunch today?” Avery asked, a malicious tone clearly discernible in his voice.</p>
  <p>Severus looked up from the novel he was reading.</p>
  <p>“As usual, I wanted to be alone.”</p>
  <p>“Really? Is that so?”</p>
  <p>“What are you getting at Avery? If he wants to be alone he wants to be alone, who the fuck cares,” intervened Rosier.</p>
  <p>“Well, I for one do care if he insists on spending so much time with that freaking Gryffindor mudblood because is gonna rub on him. Look at him already. He’s not a pureblood is he? So, you know, at least he could pretend that he cares.”</p>
  <p>Stupid fuck. Think of something. Think of something. <em>Lonely</em>. They’re not going to believe you. It’s not plausible that it would be a coincidence. You would have no credibility. <em>Self-hating.</em> It happens too often. They will continue to ask about her. <em>Brooding</em>. You need to protect her. You need to stay in their good graces. <em>Poor Severus Snape</em>.</p>
  <p>“And why are you so interested in where I happen to have lunch?” He tried to sound authoritative. He’d been practicing this. At least in his head. Strategy: divert attention. It’s about the <em>where</em> not the <em>with whom</em>.</p>
  <p>“As I said, I am concerned about where your allegiances lie.”</p>
  <p>“I would say that my allegiances are very much where they ought to be,” he challenged, feigning much more self-confidence than he really had.</p>
  <p>“Yes, well, let’s hope that it’s true. Don’t think that we are not keeping a close eye on you. You fucking filthy mudblood,” Mulciber sneered. Without missing a bit, or waiting for a comeback, he stood up and left.</p>
  <p>Severus stood frozen in place. Mulciber had never called him a mudblood to his face. He knew they said that about halfbloods too. But they never had, to his face. Shit shit shit. He tried to remain collected, and looked over at the others, who also seemed a bit surprised by Mulciber’s outburst but clearly weren’t going to rush to his defense.</p>
  <p>“What’s up with him?” Severus asked. Strategy: divert attention.</p>
  <p>“I think he’s just mad that you beat him at that duel last week in Defense. So he’s trying to get back at you,” clarified Rosier without looking at Severus in the eye. Seemingly engrossed in playing with his silver ring.</p>
  <p>“Still. He has a point Snape,” contributed Avery. “You should watch you step.”</p>
  <p>“As I said, I know very well where I am stepping, I don’t need Mulciber to remind me because he’s feeling insecure and afraid that my talents will be more appreciated than his.”</p>
  <p>Rosier and Nott gave a smug smile to Severus, clearly approving of his cunning, his challenging of Mulciber and, especially, the unspoken detail about who it was that he expected to appreciate his talent.</p>
  <p>Avery still looked wary.</p>
</blockquote><p>After grabbing some food and dropping by their respective dorms to take some books with them, Severus and Lily met at the bottom of the stairs between the first and the second floor. Nobody appeared to have seen them. Mulciber and company were not getting back until the following day, so that made Severus feel safer.</p><p>“Did you bring your Charms notes?” she inquired.</p><p>He checked his bag. “Mm… Yes, I have them here.”</p><p>“Can I borrow them? I think I have something wrong in my notes from a couple of weeks ago. I was trying to work on that essay for the theoretical part, the one on the fidelius charm, and there’s something that doesn’t add up. I’m confused as to what happens when the Keeper dies.”</p><p>“It’s passed onto others who knew.”</p><p>“But if they knew, why is it a secret?”</p><p>“Several people can know of a secret.”</p><p>“So it’s not a secret.”</p><p>“Yes, it is.”</p><p>“No, it isn’t.”</p><p>“Of course it is.” Severus looked at Lily in disbelieve. “Are you serious?”</p><p>“Well, I don’t usually have like… a bunch of confidants, I don’t know. It doesn’t make sense to me. So, to recap,” Lily entered one of the classrooms seemingly at random and he quietly followed her, “several people can know, but there is only like one person who is protecting the secret.” Severus nodded. “So the others can tell, it doesn’t make sense.”</p><p>“No, they… I’ll just give you my notes.” Severus laughed. “I think your issue is more with the concept of secrecy itself than the charm.”</p><p>“Oh, yes, definitely.”</p><p>“Also, I don’t know why you expect this hypothetical Secret Keeper of yours to die.”</p><p>“I don’t, it was just a thought that popped into my head…”</p><p>She closed the door and threw her bag on top of a desk close to the window. Severus let himself drop onto the floor in between the wall and the desk that Lily had chosen.</p><p>"Why don’t you sit on a chair?"</p><p>"I like the floor."</p><p>“Since when?”</p><p>“Now? I don’t know. Tastes change.”</p><p>"Okay then…," she said while taking a couple of books out of her bag along with her scrapbook.</p><p>Lily had been very attached to her scrapbook since the beginning of their fifth year. She insisted on putting pieces of parchment, leaves, notes, pictures and everything that she could gather on it to construct this carefully curated journey throughout her memories. Severus had been asked more than once to write something to her pertaining to the moment of the request. It had been a while since she had last asked. He had almost forgotten about this little project of hers. Without saying a word she handed it to him. He took it.</p><p>“What do you want me to write?”</p><p>“I don’t know, whatever you want. Something about this years’ spring break, something like the letter you sent me maybe,” she looked at him with bright eyes, giving him half a smile.</p><p>“Yeah… we’ll see.”</p><p>“Why must you keep me hanging like this?” she flopped dramatically onto the table. </p><p>“If I write you nice things every week you’ll stop appreciating them,” Severus had no idea where he had found the self-confidence to utter that sentence.</p><p>“I highly doubt that, but okay,” she took the notes that Severus was handing her. “Draw a tree or whatever then.”</p><p>He opened the scrapbook on the first blank page, realizing he had indeed not seen her work on it for a while. So he decided to browse the last pages.</p><p>There were several photos of Lily with some Gryffindor girls in Hogsmeade and notes from those girls next to them. Some internal jokes and some little drawings. It was funny how foreign this part of Lily’s life felt to him. He turned another page and there was another photograph. One at the Gryffindor table in the Great Hall, in which she was sitting next to Potter. She was trying to move away as Potter attempted to put his arm around her shoulders. But she was smiling. Did she find it funny how she had to get away from Potter? Was it pretense? Why in the name of Merlin did she fucking have a picture with stupid fucking Potter out of all people? She knew. She’d seen. How he behaved. How he… strutted about the castle. And he remembered her words. <em>I know things at school are not wonderful for you</em>. So yeah, she knew. Maybe she liked it. Maybe she found the showing off attractive. Maybe Potter was onto something. Maybe this was some sort of effective mating ritual that eluded Severus. Had she thought about Potter’s dick? He felt disgusted, jealous. Senseless hatred invaded Severus' stomach.</p><p>"Are you looking at the pictures?"</p><p>"Yeah… Why do you have a picture with Potter?" he snapped.</p><p>"Well…" he could perceive how she blushed and oh, how his chest ached when she did so. "You know how the guys are and they were fooling around… it’s a fun memory I guess, I don't know."</p><p>He could not understand how such a pretty and smart girl like Lily could actually have a crush on that douchebag. He did understand though why she purposefully hadn’t mentioned him before when she was eloquently praising other boy’s physical traits.</p><p>"I don't like them you know…" he remarked, stupidly. Of course he didn’t.</p><p>"I don't like your friends either Severus," she spitted back.</p><p>The payback caught him off guard. She did not normally call him Severus. She was painfully right. She actually had more serious reasons not to like his friends. But he was trying to protect her. From them. And she didn’t realize. And it hurt a lot that she actively liked a guy whose only purpose in life was to make fun of him. Hurt him. Attack him when his back was turned. Was he really that unimportant to her?</p><p>"Whatever," he mumbled, coldly.</p><p>She dropped his notes on the table and reclined on her chair, arms crossed defensively. He wanted to sit next to her, but he remained on the floor. He remembered how some years ago they used to lie together in the grass, very closely, and hold hands… but now. Everything was too much now. Now that they were older and that innocence had been completely lost. She was interested in something else. Something more and something other than him. They could not touch like that anymore. Yet, he wanted to be sitting next to her without her thinking that he wanted something else, even if he did. He longed to be close to her. Emotionally. Physically. Physically without implications. It kind of surprised him, this desire for emotional comfort in the form of touch. He didn’t like touch.</p><p>"Lils, you know that…"</p><p>"Sev, I don't want to talk about my friends or your friends anymore," she interrupted him. The remark was painful. Her friends. Potter was her friend now, apparently. That was a bit too much. He stayed quiet. "Don't be upset," she added.</p><p>"I am not upset."</p><p>"Yes, you are."</p><p>"You cannot know."</p><p>"Of course I can, I can tell that you are upset."</p><p>He did not say anything during several minutes that seemed like hours. Neither of them made an attempt at opening up their books or look at their notes again. Lily noticed that there was an old chessboard on the shelf at the end of the classroom.</p><p>"Do you want to play chess?" she offered, and he nodded. Playing chess together was not something that Severus loved particularly. Lily had no patience at all and at some point, she always started to make random careless moves. He always won. He still enjoyed anything in her company. It was a safe space. It was a truce. It was love. It was home. It had to be.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Nena</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p></p><div class="center">
  <p>    <i>Nena ~ YEИDRY                      --                 Baby ~ YEИDRY</i><br/> </p>
  <p>Te veo en mi sueños               <i>(I see you in my dreams)</i><br/>Abro los ojos, te quieren matar    <i>(I open my eyes, they want to kill you)</i><br/>Sigo corriendo, cerca de un fuego              <i>(I keep running, near a fire)</i><br/>Me quedo quema                              <i>(I stay burning)</i><br/>Sé que eres tú, te fuiste temprano                <i>(I know it's you, you left early)</i><br/>Pero sé que siempre te tengo a mi lado         <i>(But I know that I always have you by my side)</i><br/>No me quedo a nada, si pudiera yo volver pa atrás   <i>(I'm not staying for anything, if I could go back)</i><br/>Es que el tiempo se me va y ya                             <i>(It's only that time is running out)</i><br/>Me acuerdo la luz de tu mirada                         <i>(I remember the light of your gaze)</i></p>
</div></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Only a couple of weeks after the break they were already buried in coursework. With their OWLs looming over them, the fifth years were not enjoying as much free time as they would have liked. This was why Severus and Lily hadn’t met or talked much since their respective groups of friends had gotten back to Hogwarts. At least that’s what they told themselves. They were simply too busy to juggle their course work, their House alliance, plus their seemingly deteriorating friendship. So Severus spent most of his time alone. Trying to do his best to avoid Potter and Black by spending his reading time in his common room rather than in the library or some empty classroom where, to Severus’ dismay, they always seemed to find him. This was fine by him. Mulciber’s annoyance with Severus had also notably diminished. This was also good. It had reflected positively on the group environment, and Rosier and Avery were now openly speaking in front of Severus about their parents being in talks with the Dark Lord about their respective futures. This was something they had both learned about during the spring break and were really ecstatic about.</p><p>Severus was also busy considering his options for the future. He felt such a strong pull when Avery and company spoke about the power that they could hold alongside the Dark Lord. It ignited the most hateful part inside him. He couldn’t help but think about how he would be able to prove himself. How he could get back at those who have wronged him throughout the years. Make them pay for having underestimated him. Other times it all seemed excessive. He noted Avery’s sadist streak with certain disgust, as the pureblood would often go on long diatribes about the wonders of curses that inflicted physical torture. In his lowest moments, Severus also took pleasure in imagining Potter's suffering. Potter down on the ground, begging. Clenching his fists in pain. Other times his own desire to hurt people scared him.</p><p>He was sitting at lunch when an owl approached him with a letter. He recognized the owl immediately. It was Narcissa’s. She had graduated the previous year and had luckily decided to keep in contact with Severus. They had developed a friendship of sorts throughout the past couple of years. She had treated him sweetly but not in a paternalistic way. She helped Severus learn more about the pureblood ways so he could prove himself knowledgeable in front of their fellow snakes. The friendship had started unexpectedly one day at the library back in his third year, as he was reading a book on the uses of venomous mushrooms that Narcissa was also interested in. She sat beside him and they began discussing the topic. After that, Severus would seek her out whenever he wanted to have a conversation about a topic he'd been researching or wanted to know more about. And they became closer with time. Fifth-year for Severus had been hard without her. He hadn’t realized how much time he actually did spend talking to Narcissa until she wasn’t there anymore. The letter came with a package that he briefly put aside while opening the letter.</p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>Dear Severus,</p>
  <p>I missed you at the Malfoy’s Spring Ball. I wish you had been able to attend this year. Lucius’ family did a beautiful job with the decorations and, as always, we had very interesting and influential guests. Most importantly, I had a conversation with Macnair that you would have very much appreciated.</p>
  <p>I am sure you remember our talks with my cousin last year about mind control and mind reading. All of this purely theoretical, of course… Reg had apparently mentioned my interest to Macnair in passing, so he struck up a conversation about Occlumency. You must now be wondering if Macnair has suddenly developed intellectual concerns. Well, I am sorry to say that, in fact, he hasn’t. It turns out that he found this old book on his family library as they were making inventory after his father’s passing. So he gifted it to me. Since I am such a good friend and I miss our academic exchanges dearly, I am sending you the aforementioned book (I am of course expecting it back) in the hopes of discussing it. Let me know what you think. I am particularly interested on your thoughts on the sixth chapter. You’ll see why.</p>
  <p>On a different note, do tell, how are things at Hogwarts? I hope that you are taking care of yourself. Write soon.</p>
  <p>Love,</p>
  <p>N.B. (soon to be M.)</p>
</blockquote><p>Ah, yes, she was marrying Malfoy. Severus figured he had officially popped the question, as they say. Possibly during the ball. They’ve been dating for almost a year and it was clear amongst all English pureblood families that a marriage between the Malfoys and the Blacks was meant to take place sooner rather than later. After folding the letter and putting it in his pocket, he took to the parcel that contained Narcissa’s book. It was a thick old tome, a bit dusty. He opened it and read over the index. <em>Chapter VI: Building walls inside your mind</em>. Severus found it, indeed, extremely interesting. At some point during the previous year, Narcissa had found him in their common room in the middle of the night mid-panic attack. They talked and Severus spoke about his anxiety with someone for the first time in his life. She had been supportive but also a bit ruthless. He could not allow anybody else to see him like this. He needed to control his emotions. <em>You have to discipline your mind</em>. </p><p>He stood up and headed for the last class of the week. He had double Transfiguration with the Gryffindors. It was not an ideal subject to have at the very end of the week. However, the classes that he shared with Lily were almost the only moments that he got to spend with her these days. The air between them had remained thick after his complaint about Potter’s picture on her scrapbook. As he entered the classroom, he saw that Lily was sitting at their usual spot. She weakly smiled at him when she saw him. It was weird. Severus wasn’t able to discern whether Lily was being genuine about her interest in maintaining their friendship, in still being close to him, being nice to him. <em>Self-hating. Brooding. </em>He sat on the desk beside her.</p><p>“Hey, how are you?” she whispered.</p><p>“Fine. Tired. Can’t wait to get a little bit of rest and have some time to myself during the weekend. Possibly do some reading I’ve been trying to catch up on.” That had been quite a long sentence. Maybe he was making some improvements in his attempt at interacting with her despite how weird everything felt, still.</p><p>“Yeah same… this week has been pretty intense with all that work for Charms and Defense.”</p><p>Or maybe not. Maybe there hadn’t been any progress because apparently, they were just chitchatting. And he found chitchat annoying.</p><p>“Do you want to make any plans for the weekend?”</p><p>“Together?”</p><p>“Well, yes, of course.”</p><p>Oh. Did she want to have another conversation about how she hated his friends? About the boys she liked? This was exhausting. He nodded.</p><p>“We could… I don’t know. Maybe tomorrow morning.” She seemed insecure somehow, her voice weak although her body language seemed open, almost all of her body turned towards him.</p><p>“If it’s nice out we could…”</p><p>“Miss Evans!! Mister Snape!! Would you be so kind as to keep quiet while I’m trying to start my class?” interrupted McGonagall.</p><p>“Sorry Professor.” They answered in unison. Severus noticed the murderous looks that several people, both Gryffindors and Slytherins, directed at them.</p><p>  *   *   *</p><p>As soon as the class finished, Lily reunited with her Gryffindor friends and headed back to the Gryffindor common room with them. Mary went to sit down on one of the chairs near the far window.</p><p>“Wanna stay here for a while?” Mary offered.</p><p>“I’m knackered ladies, I’m gonna go take a nap.” Sighed Marlene starting to make her way up to the dormitories. Alice followed.</p><p>“Right behind you.”</p><p>“Lily?”</p><p>“Yeah, sure, I’ll stay.”</p><p>She followed Mary and sat in the chair in front of her. The other girl smiled mischievously.</p><p>“So…” she began “now that we are alone…” Lily raised an eyebrow. She had no idea what this was going to be about. “You and Snape.”</p><p>“What?! What do you mean me and Snape?”</p><p>“I thought you were growing apart because of… well, you know, evilness. But you looked pretty buddy-buddy today from where I was standing.”</p><p>“We’re still friends Mary. Whatever you are implying is nonsense.”</p><p>“Just… I like thinking of myself as a very observant person. And I think that I’ve observed that you behave differently with him than you do with other boys.</p><p>“Of course I do, he’s my friend.”</p><p>“Well, make sure that he knows that because I think that your body language indicates something else.” Mary laughed.</p><p>“No way!”</p><p>“Yes way!” Was this true? Was she too open? Was she letting her attraction show? No no no, she was very careful not to, there was no way that people would have caught up on that, plus he was Severus after all.</p><p>“Don’t be ridiculous Mary. Plus, I think he is not very interested in… girls, or, you know.”</p><p>“I guess he must be too busy worrying about the dark arts to care about crushes,” Mary said, with disdain.</p><p>Just as Lily was preparing to retort in Severus’ defense, Potter and Black loudly entered the common room. Lily looked at them sideways while she kept talking to Mary, she didn’t want to let it show that she was looking at them, especially not Potter because if he noticed she was looking, well, it wouldn’t be good. But of course, he did, because Potter stopped in his tracks and began walking toward them.</p><p>“Evans! McDonald! My dear loveliest girls. We have Quidditch practice in half an hour, would you care to join us?”</p><p>“And why would we do that, Potter?”</p><p>“Come on Evans, it’ll be fun. Your presence inspires me to play better.”</p><p>“Yeah, we’ll see,” intervened Mary. "Beat it, Potter, we’re having a private conversation.”</p><p>“As you wish.” He ceremoniously bowed and quickly retreated to follow Black upstairs. "See you in a bit!"</p><p>“Are you actually planning on going?” questioned Lily.</p><p>“Yeah, maybe. I mean… it’s just boys showing off, what’s not to like.”</p><p>“The fact that you are giving them the satisfaction? And also, I kindly remind you, you have a Ravenclaw boyfriend who also happens to be on the Quidditch team."</p><p>“Going doesn’t mean screaming to the wind that you like them," she shrugged. "They never know who you might be there for,” Mary winked.</p><p>“Yeah, I guess that’s true”, she agreed, with a smile on her face.</p><p>“Come on, you like the attention Potter gives you, it’s plain for everyone to see.”</p><p>“I thought that I liked Snape, not Potter!”</p><p>“Sweetheart, you’re blushing! Might I be onto something here now?”</p><p>“I’m not going to dignify that with an answer.”</p><p>“Sure sure, be all proud. So, coming to Quidditch practice?”</p><p>“Maybe. I don’t know. I’m gonna go for a walk first. It’s too stuffy in here. I wanna be alone for a bit.”</p><p>“Fine, suit yourself. I’m going upstairs for a while then, see you at five??” she smirked.</p><p>“We’ll see.”</p><p>Lily went outside to calm her nerves. Her emotions were a complete mess. Her attraction for Severus (had Mary truly caught up on that?) was feeling less and less reasonable by the minute. In fact, she hadn’t thought about it as much during the past couple of weeks after his outburst about Potter’s picture. Jealous wanker. If he wasn’t interested he shouldn’t care if she was curious about other boys, even if it was Potter, why the fuck did it matter, it’s not like she was gonna marry him or anything. She had been walking around the greenhouses for a while when she spotted Severus in the distance. Her automatic response was to smile to herself and walk toward him, but then she hesitated. She felt that there were things that they should talk about, to clear the air between them, but it was simply all too complicated. Sometimes Lily thought that maybe she wanted Severus to kiss her so they wouldn’t have to talk at all. In the end, she opted to follow her first instinct and go say hello to her friend. They had after all mentioned that they would be meeting the following morning, and they hadn’t agreed on a plan, place, or time in the end.</p><p>At 5 pm sharp Severus had gone to sit outside to read the book Narcissa had sent him. The Gryffindors had Quidditch practice and it was a good opportunity to be out and about. Also known as avoiding the Slytherin common room with his valuable reading material. Avoiding intruding questions. Keeping this knowledge to himself. He was profusely taking notes, and reviewing some complementary material that he had borrowed from the library. These books weren’t as useful as the one that Narcissa had provided but helped with giving him some context. Although he had already read some of them before. He wished for access to the restricted section for the millionth time in his life. So engrossed he was in his reading that he didn’t notice Lily approaching him from the hill leading to the greenhouses. He abruptly closed the book when he saw her.</p><p>“Hey, Sev! Enjoying your Friday afternoon I see. I wanted to make sure about those plans for tomorrow. I am now… I’m meeting with Mary in a bit.” She let herself drop on the ground next to him. “So what were you reading?”</p><p>“Oh, nothing, just some extra reading on…” she had snatched the book before he could put it inside his bag.</p><p>She paled a bit at the title. <em>Occlumens: The Power of Mind Control and Protection.</em></p><p>“Be careful with the book. It’s not mine.”</p><p>“I see. I presume you’ve borrowed it from one of your lovely friends, haven’t you, so you can go about the school controlling people’s minds?”</p><p>“That’s not what it is about. It’s theoretical. I find it intellectually stimulating.”</p><p>“Intellect... Fucking Merlin,” she threw the book back at him.</p><p>“Lily! I told you to be careful,” he caught it just in time so it wouldn’t fall onto the grass.</p><p>“Fuck your friend’s book, I don’t care.”</p><p>“You seem to be in good spirits today.”</p><p>“Don’t joke about this. It’s not funny.” She stood up and began getting away from him. He followed her, hurriedly grabbing his things.</p><p>“I’m not joking.”</p><p>“Why do you insist on reading these things? It’s just… dark magic is wrong. You cannot go around controlling people’s minds!”</p><p>“Again. I am not,” she frowned. “I also <em>will</em> not, in the future,” he added, for clarification.</p><p>“So you are reading this because you coincidentally run out of novels as I was walking here.”</p><p>“No. I am reading it because I am interested. I’ve already told you.”</p><p>“This is not a normal interest! The dark arts are not a normal interest.”</p><p>“And why would that be? Enlighten me.”</p><p>“What would you say if I told you I had an interest in how to eviscerate people? Some things are not a taste or an opinion. They are just mean. They are wrong.”</p><p>“It’s just a theoretical interest Lily! Don’t blow this out of proportion.”</p><p>He didn’t of course tell her that the shared interest had been discussed with a member of the Black family. That wouldn’t work in his favor.</p><p>“No! Don’t try to make me look like the one who’s doing something wrong here.”</p><p>“I wasn’t trying to do that,” he said, a bit exasperated.</p><p>“You did, you do this all the time and don’t even realize it, you just tell me that I worry too much, that it’s all fine, that it’s just a simple interest, that your friends are not evil… Well, let me kindly remind you that all these ‘<em>interests’</em> of yours” she did the air quotes, “could be fun and games in some parallel universe, but they are not in this one. The political situation… it is just not, it can’t be innocent. Not coming from them.”</p><p>“Who do you presume is this <em>them </em>you speak about? Slytherins?”</p><p>“Yes!”</p><p>“Who is being prejudiced now?”</p><p>“Oh, fuck off Severus.”</p><p>“Very eloquent argument, Lily. You definitely convinced me of my wrongdoings.”</p><p>Why did he say things that he didn’t mean? Why couldn’t he explain things properly? <em>Hateful. </em>He felt the anxiety painfully building in the middle of his chest. Why didn’t she realize he just wanted to be in control? To protect her? He needed to know more. It was of utmost importance to know all the possibilities that magic had to offer. It was simply absurd to reject a whole range of options only to uphold some artificially constructed perception of ethics. The pressure in his chest was rising. Painfully. <em>Lonely</em>.</p><p>“Fine, I’ll leave you to your reading then. Sorry that I’ve bothered you.” And with that, she turned back around, aiming for the Quidditch pitch.</p><p>He stood in place, alone. With nowhere to go.</p><p>
  <em>Lonely. Uncared for. Brooding. Ugly Severus Snape.</em>
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I hope that you like my headcanon about Narcissa and Severus' relationship.</p>
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<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Help!</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p></p><div class="center">
  <p>
    <i>Help! ~ The Beatles</i>
  </p>
  <p>Help me if you can, I'm feeling down<br/>And I do appreciate you being 'round<br/>Help me get my feet back on the ground<br/>Won't you please, please help me<br/>When I was younger, so much younger than today<br/>I never needed anybody's help in any way<br/>But now these days are gone, I'm not so self-assured</p>
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    <p>On Saturday morning Lily stayed in bed until late. She hadn’t been able to sleep much. She hated arguing with Severus because it made them grow apart and that was the literal opposite of what she wanted. Most of their conversations for the past couple of weeks had been miserable. From the ones about Lily’s interest in boys to those about Severus’ interest in dark magic. At least her interests were fucking normal even if they made him uncomfortable thank you very much. And yet, here she was, lying in bed on a Saturday morning at too early o’clock obsessively thinking about him. Lily didn’t know if they were still supposed to meet today. She guessed that probably not, even though deep down she did want to see him. Actually, what she really wanted was to get it into that thick skull of his that what he was doing was dangerous and stupid and that he was forcing her to distance herself from him. And distancing herself was, to reiterate, the opposite of what she wanted.</p><p>She closed her eyes and turned to one side of the bed, imagining that Severus was lying there, next to her. It was definitely not the first time that she had thought of him in her bed. In her fantasies, when she touched herself, she often imagined that Severus would be rough. She pictured him standing at the feet of her bed while she lay down naked, exposed, offering herself to him. He would look hungrily at her and grab her by the ankles, forcefully pulling her toward him, ravishing her, without giving her a second to breathe or form a coherent thought.</p><p>This time, however, she imagined him soft, repentant, willing to submit to her every whim, caressing her face, leaving soft kisses on her skin, telling her how sorry he was, how beautiful she was, how he didn’t deserve her. She also thought, kind of in the background, about the nice things Potter said to her. It wasn’t wrong to enjoy that kind of attention, was it? Because let’s face it, she did enjoy it, very much, it made her smile to herself, it made her proud. Proud of what exactly she couldn’t say, it just made her feel good that boys found her desirable. The images of Severus’ caresses and touch were intermingled with Potter’s flattery in her mind as she came.</p><p>When Lily opened her eyes again she realized that she had dozed off apparently for quite a long while since there was nobody else in the room already. She needed to get out of bed. Maybe she could stroll around the castle and… do what, she didn’t know. She hadn’t decided if she wanted to see Severus or not. She didn’t want to see anyone really. Maybe she would just go to the library for a bit, enjoy the peace and quiet there. She got dressed with the intention of doing just that. Grabbing her school bag and a jacket, just in case she ended up going out for a walk, she left her common room and without looking over at whoever was sitting on the sofa made her way out of the portrait and toward the library. As she went down a flight of stairs and turned to her right, she saw John in the distance. Ugh. John. She didn’t feel like John at the moment, so she turned around, maybe she could find some other route and eventually make it to the library.</p><p>She was getting close when she thought she heard someone behind her mention Snape. She slowed down and picked around the corner. There were Avery and Mulciber, sitting on a bench near the cloister.</p><p>“… he’s just another filthy mudblood.”</p><p>“Malfoy seems to like him just fine.”</p><p>“I don’t fucking care what Malfoy says.”</p><p>“Shouldn’t you?” there was a pause and something muttered that Lily couldn’t quite make out. “I do agree that Snape...” more muttering, “mudbloods are not worthy, but you have to admit that…”</p><p>She needed to get out of there before they saw her. With a rush of adrenaline and her blood boiling, she course-corrected once again. Were they referring to Sev as a mudblood? She had never thought… Fucking stupid foul pricks.</p><p>* * *</p><p>Severus had decided to spend the morning in one of the empty classrooms that he frequented with Lily. He didn’t’ admit it to himself but he was sitting there in hopes of Lily appearing out of nowhere and actually spending their Saturday morning together, as she had originally suggested. It was already close to noon. Severus had long ago assumed that his hope was utterly misguided. Yet, not a moment after he had begun considering heading to the library, the door busted open and an enraged Lily appeared at the door. Was she this mad at him? Severus felt that her reaction was getting a bit out of hand. She closed the door but stood next to it. Intently looking at him.</p><p>“I just saw Avery and Mulciber.”</p><p>“Yes, that would be a likely occurrence since they happen to attend this school as well.” He was doing it again. Being disdainful on purpose. He really did not want to be like this with her. His sarcasm was becoming a force of habit.</p><p>“Sev!”</p><p>Lily noticed that he visibly softened at her pleading.</p><p>“Are you okay? Did they bother you?” he asked her, standing up, getting a bit closer to check on her physical integrity.</p><p>“Do they bother <em>you</em>?”</p><p>“What do you mean?”</p><p>“You know, call you a mudblood and that sort of thing.”</p><p>“Not usually, no. Not to my face anyway. But that’s nothing that should concern you.”</p><p>“I’ve just heard them say it, about you! You’ve never told me…”</p><p>Severus remained quiet.</p><p>“Why do you insist on taking all the burden on your shoulders? I don’t need you to shelter me from whatever is happening, because it’s gonna happen anyway, don’t you realize? Severus. Sev,” she grabbed his arm, moving closer. A bit too close for comfort. “You must see that they do not have good intentions in mind if they treat you like this too. You cannot keep on excusing their behavior.”</p><p>“I realize a lot of things, Lily. I am not stupid. But people’s moral compass is not relevant.”</p><p>“So you think that the fact that they don’t want me to do magic because of my background is beside the point.”</p><p>“Of course I don’t. That’s not what…”</p><p>“It is!! That is exactly what we are discussing. That is the issue here. You are being obtuse on purpose.”</p><p>He stayed quiet. There was nothing he could say to Lily when she got all riled up like this. She needed to complain, so he let her complain.</p><p>“Why don’t you ask for help if they bother you too? If they are pressuring you into anything…”</p><p>“They are not forcing me to...” she interrupted him.</p><p>“If they are saying anything to you, go to Professor Slughorn.”</p><p>“Slughorn?! Are you insane?”</p><p>“Well, he is your head of House.”</p><p>“Precisely. He has some close relationships with rich pureblood families. He doesn’t care about me.” Why would Slughorn care about him. <em>Uncared for. Poor Severus Snape. </em></p><p>“He wants me on the club. I don’t think he is a purist. He is nice to me.”</p><p>“I wouldn’t bet my money on that horse Lily.”</p><p>“Fine. Don’t trust anyone.”</p><p>“You know what? No, I don’t. I don’t fucking trust anyone.”</p><p>“And I think that is a problem. You can not be just… sulking alone in your misery.” <em>Alone. Brooding. Alone. Alone.</em></p><p>“I don’t think I am sulking. I am… doing what I have to do. It’s self-preservation. It’s…”</p><p>“Okay. If you don’t trust Slughorn then go talk to Dumbledore directly. He is fighting against You-Know-Who.”</p><p>Severus laughed, with scorn. Lily appeared to be offended by his reaction. She crossed her arms.</p><p>“You are not gonna tell me now that because you think that Dumbledore is friends with I don’t know whose rich father, we must assume that he also supports the purists because I would have to call you on your bullshit.”</p><p>“The point is that Dumbledore doesn’t care about me either, Lily.”</p><p>“Don’t be ridiculous, he cares about everyone in the school.”</p><p>“I beg to differ.”</p><p>He wanted so much to tell her about the Shrieking Shack incident. To prove his point. But he couldn’t, he had sworn that he wouldn’t. And whatever constructed perception of ethics he had, it prevented him from breaking a vow.</p><p>“Lily, as I have said… I do appreciate you being there. I do.”</p><p>“Then why do you insist on thinking that everybody is against you. That’s not fair. It’s not fair to me.”</p><p>“It might have escaped your notice Lily, but life isn’t fair.”</p><p>“Then let me help you make it a bit less unfair for you. Tell me what’s going on with you.”</p><p>“Nothing is going on. It is what it is, and the only thing that I can do is to try and have as much control over the situation as I possibly can. <em>You </em>are the one who needs to trust <em>me. </em>Confronting those in power is not the answer.”</p><p>“I refuse to recognize that they are the ones who have the power. Why? Just because they have money and some influence? I won’t give them the satisfaction.”</p><p>“Again, confrontation won’t solve the issue.”</p><p>“So let me guess, cunning and lying would.”</p><p>“Yes.” She didn’t look convinced. Of course she wasn’t. Bloody Gryffindor.</p><p>“So you want to manage this whole situation on your own.”</p><p>“Indeed.”</p><p>“And what then, single-handedly end the war on your own?”</p><p>“If need be.”</p><p>Lily smiled with sad eyes at how ridiculous the situation was. How far this was from anything that she had imagined Hogwarts to be. How far it was from anything she had imagined for her and Severus. How much she wanted Severus to hold her like she had imagined that morning he would.</p><p>“Look, Sev, I simply want you to trust me, to rely on me when you need to. You don’t have to be alone.” <em>Lonely</em>.</p><p>“Sure Lily, I appreciate your support and your friendship. You know I do,” he made a brief pause. “I will tell you when something happens to me.” <em>Liar</em>. He grabbed her hand, and she squeezed his.</p><p>“You are saying these words but your face tells me that you are going to continue keeping it all to yourself.”</p><p>He did not like this thing that she did. When she insisted that she could read his emotions on his face. Was it because she knew him too well or was he that transparent? This was something he could not afford. He definitely should do some further research on Occlumency. Maybe he could keep his emotions at bay. <em>Brooding</em>. He could then prevent his feelings for Lily to cloud his judgment in order to protect her, to keep her away from the purists’ attention. To keep his anxiety under control. <em>Self-hating</em>. To not let his emotions show. <em>Brooding. Hateful.</em> To keep these stupid intruding thoughts away.</p><p>As lunchtime was approaching, they began to make their way toward the Great Hall. Once they were close enough, Lily slowed down her step, so as to enter the room separately. Already an unspoken agreement. Just as he was about to turn the corner, Severus felt someone right behind his back. His lovely group of snake-friends appeared seemingly out of nowhere. That’s what happens when you let your guard down, isn’t it?</p><p>"I'm still not very fond of you spending your time with that little mudblood of yours, you know?"</p><p>"Hello to you too Mulciber, I had a very pleasant morning, thank you. How about yourself?" He tried, as always, not to sound as exasperated and worried as he was.</p><p>"What are you looking at scum?" Avery was looking over Severus' shoulder. He turned around and there was Lily. She had kept on walking behind him.</p><p>"Oh come on Avery, let's just not begin the weekend hexing people, shall we? I’m tired and I already have detention next week for that… thing, you know," intervened Rosier, "Plus, Snape here is only behaving gallantly” he gave them a devious smile. “You should know better, Mulciber, when you are shagging some bird you need to talk to them from time to time. Isn’t that right, Snape?"</p><p>"Indeed, there needs to be a modicum of conversation between another kind of… interactions. But Mulciber wouldn’t know about that now, would he?" Severus smirked and faked a laugh. He knew Lily was listening, but that was the best he could do to keep their thoughts away from her. Strategy: divert attention. It’s not about him spending time with Lily, it’s about Mulciber’s lack of experience with girls. Not that he had any himself. But that was of no consequence.</p><p>For his part, Mulciber was extremely red. He was fuming. He didn’t say anything but followed quietly, slightly behind, as Severus resumed his walk toward the Slytherin table next to Rosier and Avery. Maybe confronting Mulciber was not a very wise course of action at this point. He needed to rethink his plan regarding this constant pestering. He didn’t look back at Lily to check on her reaction. He couldn’t. If he had he would have seen how her face was also red. And her eyes wide open in complete disbelief at what she had just heard.</p><p>Had Severus actually told his <em>friends</em> that he was <em>shagging</em> her? What was this utter nonsense? It seemed to Lily that she was now living in some sort of parallel universe to the one in which she had just told Severus to trust her with his pains. She was so fucking angry. She could have punched him right then and there if she hadn’t been too shocked to react on time. She was appalled at these sexist shenanigans that Severus apparently got up to. She was mad that these Slytherin pricks thought she was some cheap whore that would go around fucking Snape without giving a toss about his thoughts on blood purity. She got furious at imagining that maybe Severus had described to his fellow Slytherins what their sexual escapades were like. She was mad that he had implied that this had been going on for a while. She was even madder at the fact that it wasn’t true.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thank you guys for the comments! They really motivate me to keep on working on this story &lt;3</p>
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<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Bury a friend</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Brace yourselves for Snape’s worst memory. Sentences that you recognize are taken from the book. I’ve tweaked most of it so it feels like Severus’ perspective plus there are of course some changes to the outcome. Hope you enjoy the chapter!</p><div class="center">
  <p> </p>
  <p>    <i>Bury a Friend ~ Billie Eilish</i></p>
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  <p>What do you want from me?<br/>Why don't you run from me?<br/>What are you wondering?<br/>What do you know?<br/>Why aren't you scared of me?<br/>Why do you care for me?<br/>When we all fall asleep, where do we go?<br/>Come here...</p>
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    <p>Severus was sitting in the library studying for the upcoming OWLs that were starting that very afternoon. Concentration had not been his strong suit during the past month, so he had been devoting all of his free time to study. This was just as well because he was not spending time with Lily, and there was nothing else he felt a particular inclination to be doing. The girl was not so angry with him anymore about his dark leaning interests. She hadn’t brought it up again. Apparently, hearing Slytherins insult him had softened her. Funny how that had not happened when it was Gryffindors uttering the offense. Yet, since that conversation when she had offered her support, she had begun behaving differently toward him. It was painfully obvious that some unspoken things were weighing on them. But Severus was unclear on what exactly it was that had significantly changed since that day. A part of him wondered if she was upset due to his comments in front of his group of fifth-year Slytherins regarding… certain type of relationship with her. The fact that she had heard it still mortified him. She hadn’t mentioned anything, so he hadn’t either. And yet, he felt that she was different toward him, in a way that he could not quite pinpoint. It was a new kind of awkward that, Severus thought, had not been there before. Of course, this could all be his paranoia.</p><p>On a different note, Lily’s information about Mulciber and Avery calling him a mudblood had been useful. He had taken to using the word from time to time in front of his fellow snakes. It had proven, so far, to be a good way of safeguarding his position and safety without directly confronting Mulciber. They understood that Severus was becoming more faithful to their so-called 'cause' by the simple inclusion of some slurs in his vocabulary. Furthermore, he had been exchanging regular letters with Narcissa about the methodology behind building walls inside your mind in order to control your emotions. This kept his spirits high. Every time he saw her owl approach him it was like a breath of fresh air. It was funny how Narcissa had become the only person he could be honest with. Severus was open with her both about his worries and his interests. He resented not being able to be so with Lily, as much as he wanted to, she wouldn’t understand. He had been engaging in some low form of occluding that allowed him to keep certain thoughts hidden from himself for a little bit of time. It was useful. It helped with his moods. And with every Lily-related emotion.</p><p>They had the theoretical examination for Defense Against the Dark Arts that afternoon. Severus checked the time. There was still half an hour left for the exam to start. He was tired, desperate at not being able to retain anything from what he was reading again and again. A part of him was aware that there was nothing else in the book that he could learn, but he did not know what else to do with himself at this point. Severus remembered how he used to review for exams with Lily and how she always wanted to talk about something else during the fifteen minutes prior to the exam so their minds would be at peace, as she put it. Funny how she had been the one to speak about peace of mind. Considering this, Severus grabbed his things and walked toward the Great Hall, where the exam was to take place. Maybe Rosier or one of the others would be hanging about already and they could talk about something other than these stupid exams.</p><p>As it turned out, there were a lot of people already pilling up at the entrance of the Great Hall. Several Ravenclaws were sitting in every available corner going over their notes. He spotted several familiar faces amongst the Gryffindors but thankfully not Lily, or Potter and his cronies. After dawdling about for a couple of minutes just observing the others he finally spotted Rosier and Nott in the distance. He walked toward them. They were speaking about their traveling plans for the summer vacation so he joined in, faking interest in the North of France. Soon after, the doors of the Great Hall opened and Professor Flitwick began directing them toward their seats and reciting the instructions for the exam. Severus sat down at the desk and, as soon as the exam appeared in front of him, he quickly read over all the questions. Without lifting his eyes from the parchment, he took his quill and began to frantically write his answers in his way-to-small handwriting.</p><p>As Flitwick collected his exam, he felt proud. It had been easier than he expected so he had all the confidence in obtaining full marks. He decided to go outside for a little bit. A little bit of fresh air wouldn't hurt him. He put all his things inside his bag and went out of the castle and started walking in the general direction of the lake. There were many people outside as it was fairly good weather. He saw Lily already sitting by the lake with some other girls and then, too late, he heard Potter and Black, behind him.</p><p>“All right, Snivellus?” said James loudly.</p><p>Severus tried to react fast. He dropped his bag and plunged his hand inside his robes to grab his wand, but it was too late.</p><p>“Expelliarmus!”</p><p>Before he could do anything about it, his wand flew out of his hand. <em>Stupid. Slow. </em>They began firing small hexes at him. He tried to deflect them, to no avail, with a little bit of wandless magic that he had been practicing. He was too tired. He could not concentrate. <em>Self-hating</em>. He was also losing control over the walls on his mind. Damn it. <em>Lonely. Brooding. Incapable. </em></p><p>“How'd the exam go, Snivelly?” said James.</p><p>“I was watching him, his nose was touching the parchment,” said Sirius viciously. “There'll be great grease marks all over it, they won't be able to read a word.” <em>Ugly.</em></p><p>“Go fuck yourself! You fucking asshole!!”</p><p>“Wash out your mouth,” said James coldly. “Scourgify!”</p><p>Severus felt the foul taste of soap in his mouth and began spitting it. It was accumulating fast, making him gag and choke. Black threw an Impedimenta at him and Severus started to panic. Tears started streaming down his eyes from the sheer effort of breathing. <em>Pathetic. </em>Several students from different years and Houses began gathering around them. Some began cheering. Black, Potter, and Pettigrew laughed at Severus' struggle. From the corner of his eye, he saw Lily approaching. She was sporting a furious expression and screaming at Potter. Looking at her, the very little concentration that Severus had managed to retain slipped from his fingers completely. Black’s next tickling hex hit him square on the chest and Severus was completely unable to control the ridiculous laugh that escaped his lips. Lily’s expression twitched for an instant as though she was going to smile. Severus wanted to scream but she did so first, at Potter:</p><p>“Leave him alone!”</p><p>Severus was trying his hardest to regain his composure as he noticed the Impediment Jinx wearing off. He began crawling toward his wand. He was only listening to Lily and Potter screaming in the background.</p><p>“Go on ... go out with me and I'll never lay a wand on old Snivelly again.”</p><p>Severus managed to get to his wand while Potter and Lily shamelessly flirted or whatever the fuck they were doing. He gave himself five seconds to breathe, gather his strength, control his emotions. <em>Discipline your mind</em>, he told himself, in Narcissa’s voice. He directed his wand straight at Potter with hate burning in the pit of his stomach. So much for controlling his emotions. <em>Hateful.</em> There was a flash of light and a gash appeared on the side of Potter’s face, spattering his robes with blood. Severus did not see the retaliation coming from Black in time. Before he could realize it, he was hanging upside-down in the air, his robes falling over his head to reveal skinny, pallid legs and a pair of greying underpants. <em>Uncared for. Poor. </em></p><p>“Let him down!" Lily shouted. She had her own wand out now. James and Sirius eyed it warily.</p><p>"Ah, Evans, don't make me hex you," said James earnestly.</p><p>“Let him down, then. Come on,” she lowered her wand and looked at Potter with what appeared to be a certain kind of complicity. Potter smiled. And suddenly Severus completely lost control over his mind. Hateful thoughts started piling up in his mind. She had loved how the Slytherins also called him a mudblood hadn’t she. Because that made him weak, that made him someone she could save.</p><p>"As you wish,” said James and he jerked his wand upwards, Severus fell painfully into a crumpled heap on the ground. Disentangling himself from his robes he quickly struggled to his feet, wand up. "There you go," Potter continued. He turned toward Severus. "You're lucky Evans was here, Snivellus -"</p><p>"I don't need help from filthy little mudbloods like her!"</p><p>Lily blinked.</p><p>"Fine," she said coolly. "I won't bother in the future. And I'd wash your pants if I were you, Snivellus."</p><p>
  <em>Ugly. Poor. Uncared for. Hateful. Brooding. Uncared for. Lonely. Hateful. Hateful. </em>
</p><p>* * *</p><p>Severus was walking up and down his room in the Slytherin dungeons angrier than he had ever been in his entire life. He had not intended to say that to Lily. Not her. Not now. Not ever. She… she was only trying to help him, right? But then, Severus could not help thinking that deep down she was showing off in front of Potter. She was just being righteous trying to save him. From Potter. From the Dark Arts. From things that she didn’t understand. It was already after dark when he decided that he needed to go talk to her. This could be his last opportunity not to be left alone for good, without her by his side, he needed to make amends. He walked towards the Gryffindor tower and stood in front of the portrait of the Fat Lady.</p><p>"Could you let me in? This is important."</p><p>"Password," she answered.</p><p>"Please, I don't have the password I-"</p><p>"I cannot let you in without the password."</p><p>Severus sat next to it in desperation. Maybe someone would come… it was well past dinner but there was still a while until curfew. He prayed to whatever God there was that if someone came, it wouldn't be Potter and his friends. After sitting there for what seemed like hours, he saw a girl approaching that he knew was friends with Lily, or, at least, he had seen them together before.</p><p>"Hey!" he practically screamed.</p><p>"What do you want? What are you doing here?" she said stepping away from him and seemingly scared, or disgusted, or both. <em>Poor. Uncared for. Ugly.</em></p><p>"Please, please, I need to talk to Lily."</p><p>"Well, I don't think she wants to talk to you." That tinge in her voice. That was definitely disgust.</p><p>"But I need to. I really do. Can you please tell her that I am here?"</p><p>"Look. She will not come down just to talk to you after what happened this afternoon." So she knew… Probably everybody knew. <em>Brooding. Hateful</em>.</p><p>"I'll sleep here! I swear. Please, tell her to come down."</p><p>"You can't sleep here on the floor!"</p><p>"Yes. Yes, I can. I will. Please." <em>Lonely.</em></p><p>"Fine. I'll tell her," said the girl while facing the portrait.</p><p>She said the password in a really low voice and hurriedly went through it.</p><p>Endless minutes had passed when he finally saw Lily appearing through the portrait.</p><p>"Lily!"</p><p>"What on earth do you want?" she said almost whispering.</p><p>Severus realized her eyes were red from crying and his heart gave a painful twitch.</p><p>"I'm sorry."</p><p>"Save your breath. I only came down because Mary told me you were threatening to sleep here."</p><p>"I was. I would have. I never meant to call you Mudblood, it just…"</p><p>"Slipped out? Are you going to tell me again that it just pretending in front of your little Death Eater Friends? Because I really do not think so."</p><p>"Lily… you have to understand… This is so difficult for me."</p><p>"What?!" her voice was not low anymore. "I’ve offered you my help so many times and you keep on rejected me! Difficult for him he says! Don't you think it is also difficult for me? None of my friends understand why I even talk to you. Everybody told me I was crazy for even talking to you. And now? Do you know what I have been putting up with all day? I have been hearing the stupid and painful sentence <em>I told you so</em> at least a hundred times!” She was screaming, franticly. “I told you Snape was creepy!! I told you Snape was licking all those pureblood asses and will get rid of you sooner or later!! I told you he didn’t care!! I told you, you were just a pet…" Her voice cracked. She clearly didn’t like that Severus had proved her friends right. She was proud. Maybe having been publicly mistaken about him hurt more than losing him. Was she even losing anything? “Was it fun telling them that you'd fucked me, huh? Did you all have a laugh together at the expense of the filthy little mudblood whore?”</p><p>"No!! Lily! Don’t say that. I would never..." never what? He did not know what to tell her anymore. He had assured himself that he needed to fight for her and, now, standing there, he realized that there was nothing to be done. He had been fooling himself. His feelings had blurred his reasoning. Had blurred the bitter memories of blood purity discourse. Had blurred the memory of Potter’s picture in Lily’s scrapbook. Had blurred the betrayal of her trust when he had led the others to believe they were anything other than friends… It was already too late. Severus remained still, staring blankly ahead. Possibly for more than a minute. Lily sat on the stairs. Her movements snapping him back to reality. </p><p>"This is very difficult… Very. I am afraid of what is happening. I am afraid of your friends. I am afraid of you."</p><p>"You don't have to be afraid of me." His voice trembled and he hated himself. <em>Brooding. Hateful. Ugly.</em></p><p>"Look, Severus. You've chosen your way. I've chosen mine. Our friendship does not work. It can't." She stood up and moved towards the portrait of the Fat Lady.</p><p>"No, Lily. Don't, wait. Please." He grabbed her by the arm. He did not even know what he was doing. He could not tell her anything else. She was right but at the same time, she was everything he had. Everything good. Of course, he had his Slytherin friends and their cunning promises but… Lily turned around slowly. It seemed as if her beautiful green eyes were reflecting all the sadness in the world. He moved nearer and hugged her. He could feel how uncomfortable she was being so close to him, but he couldn't let go, not yet. So he started crying, quietly. She had never seen him cry so overtly before.</p><p>They moved apart, and just when Severus was prepared to leave, to move away from her, forever, she stepped closer again, grabbed his neck, and pressed her lips to his. Severus stayed still, his brain incapable of any sort of understanding. The contact only lasted for two seconds, maybe three. Then, she moved away and reentered her common room.</p>
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<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Nothing Burns Like the Cold</h2></a>
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  <p>    <i>Nothing Burns like the Cold ~ Snoh Aalegra</i></p>
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  <p>Can we talk about us<br/>Like we care about us?<br/>Can we talk about love<br/>Like we care about love?<br/>You say let it breathe<br/>But this pain in my heart can't let it be<br/>We both can't agree<br/>Then tell me what is the point of<br/>Nothing burns like the cold</p>
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    <p>Mary was waiting for her inside the common room. Lily tried to avoid the other girl’s eyes as she hurriedly reentered through the portrait and ran toward the stairs that lead to their room. Her heart was almost bursting in her chest and she had a weird feeling that all sounds around her were muffled as if she were underwater. Mary was saying something and Lily didn’t care. She wanted to be alone, in her bed, curtains drawn, protected from every stupid comment that anyone felt the need to make. Her throat was hurting like hell from trying to stop herself from crying. She couldn’t shake away an odd feeling in her lips, almost like pins and needles. <em>Why did I have to do that? Why am I so fucking stupid?</em> There was a part of her that wanted so much to go back, to run to Severus but not this Severus, not the Severus that had insulted her, not the one that seemed so far gone into the dark arts, into… everything that had made him call her that. Did he truly believe all that crap? She couldn’t tell, but it didn’t matter, did it? It was about his actions, those counted, that was the important part. Was he so gullible as to just start insulting people because the others did? Was it to prevent them from insulting him? Was this his well-thought-out plan? Become a bully so they don’t bully you. Fucking brilliant wasn’t it? Fucking asshole. As she was entering their room Mary was still following after her and talking and talking.</p><p>“Mary stop it!! Leave me alone! I don’t want to hear a word about this!” she turned around toward the other girls sitting in their beds “Not from Mary, not from any of you, do you hear me?! Not a fucking word.”</p><p>“Lily, calm down…” Mary started again.</p><p>“Not. A. Word.” She went to her bed and drew the curtains. Finally, finally shielding herself from the world.</p><p>She couldn’t help but conjure the image of Severus’ tear-stained face in her mind. Was she trying to bring him back with the kiss? Was it simply a desperate attempt at convincing herself that this was the end? Closure? Or a selfish little victory? She had wanted him so much, so desperately. Couldn’t she just go on without kissing him? She couldn’t just fucking let it go, because if she had been able to let it go she would have stopped hanging around Severus a long time ago. She had wanted it so much, for Severus and her to be… meant to be. She felt so desperately lonely and couldn’t hold back the tears anymore. She didn’t care if the girls could hear her. They were still whispering, probably talking about her, about how stupid she was, about how disgusting Severus was, and she hated them. Stupid girls, what did they know? They didn’t know her as he did. They didn’t know him as she did. Did she, though, know him? Was the Sev she knew the type of person to use a slur? The same Severus who had told her that it didn’t matter if she was born to muggle parents. Was the Sev she knew interested in mastering mind control? The same Severus who had once told her that his favorite subject was potions because it was an exact science, an art, something to do with care and attention that required intellectual capacity rather than magical ability. Was the Sev she knew the kind of guy who would brag about sleeping with her? The same Severus who had never shown any interest. In that. With her. She moved to a sitting position to grab her pillow and started punching it. She wasn’t sure whether she was picturing Severus as the pillow or herself.</p><p>Lily didn’t manage to sleep properly at all. She kept waking up every half an hour to images of Severus, to nightmares that had nothing to do with him, to an overwhelming desire to cry. She had her Herbology exam that day and she hadn’t reviewed a single page or even thought about plants for the longest time. She realized that she didn’t care for studying or her grades at all, she just wanted to sleep and forget the world, but she was failing miserably at that as well. She went through her day in a zombie-like state, except to snap at anyone who dared ask her how she was feeling.</p><p>At the Herbology exam, Severus had been, to Lily’s dismay, placed diagonally in front of her, which meant that she could not take her eyes from him. She looked at his hands. She couldn’t help it, it was mesmerizing. She thought of the minutes, hours, possibly days that she had spent thinking of those hands. She looked back at the parchment in front of her. The first question was about the uses of proteid roots. Severus had told her how the hairy rootlets in protea helped improve the efficacy of something or other. She could not remember the specifics. She could only think of the way he explained things, the authority in his voice when he spoke with confidence about something he knew. Her vision became blurry with tears. She was so angry with herself; she didn’t want to be like this. She looked up at Severus again, keeping her quill mid-air, not knowing what to write. He was writing in his parchment, more slowly than he often did. She thought that maybe he was also thinking about her, also remembering the time he had told her about the roots. <em>Okay. That’s enough. Fucking get over this asshole already Lily. </em>She had lost him, and there was nothing she could do about it. She angrily began writing what she thought was probably nonsense.</p><p>* * *</p><p>It had been three days since the incident. Three horrible days in which Severus’ anxiety had skyrocketed to levels that were surely not healthy, and particularly inconvenient given the exam period he was going through. Although he was not fully going through it, at least, not consciously. His memory was fuzzy and he found himself dissociating worryingly often. He remembered doing his Herbology exam the previous day but would not be able to tell for the life of him how that had gone. The kiss Lily had given him was driving him mad. Absolutely utterly irremediably mad. Why then. Why at the worst moment possible had she decided… Could he have… maybe. Before. He was unable to form coherent thoughts. Complete sentences. Also, he could not stop thinking about it. Not even for a complete minute. She had also insulted his underwear mere hours before kissing him. The shame had been overbearing. It still was. It made him feel disgusted with himself every time he thought about her looking at his worn-out underwear. <em>Revolting. Poor. Uncared for. Self-hating.</em> It was just… the fact that she’d seen, that she knew about what he’d told the others about her, what he’d said to her… everything worked in contradiction with the end-result of the situation. A kiss. It seemed cruel. But, she was not cruel, was she? Her telling him to wash his underwear had been quite cruel, though. But Severus had been hurtful too, she had just responded to him being spiteful, contemptuous toward her desire to help him.</p><p>In a ridiculous attempt to make the best of his free day, Severus was sitting with his Slytherin friends at a lonely table in a corner, talking about something that did not really interest him much, until he heard his name.</p><p>"What?"</p><p>"I said that it was good that you cut your relationship with that mudblood. It was about time that you let her know what we think about them."</p><p>Avery was looking at the door of the Hall while talking, so Severus assumed that the conversation had started because she was somewhere over there. He tried to will his body to remain still, not look over his shoulder. He couldn’t. He finally turned around, and just as he suspected, there was Lily. With Potter, of all people. Instead of her robes, given their free day, she was wearing a yellow dress underneath her cardigan. Too cheerful for Severus’ taste. Maybe it was of Potter’s taste. Childish. Spiteful. Strutting. Stupid Potter. Severus saw how Black called Potter from the distance and gestured outside. He said something to Lily as well, probably invited her to go outside with them. She was smiling. Severus kept staring at her, too far gone to care if his Slytherin companions noticed him staring at her or not. They were still talking among them, possibly, he wasn’t sure.</p><p>And right then and there, Lily looked at Severus, dead in the eye. Her smile almost imperceptibly fading. He couldn’t read her eyes. Her eyes were too confusing for Severus. Too cold. So cold they burnt him. Lily was looking at him as if she knew he had been watching her. As if daring him. It lasted mere seconds. She turned back towards Potter, her full smile back on, she shook her head, and, as the two boys left through the main entrance, went in the opposite direction, toward the stairs at the end of the hallway. On impulse, Severus stood up and went after her. He had to know why she had kissed him. As he followed her up one flight of stairs, she abruptly turned around a corner. She was practically running through the corridor, knowing he was right behind her.</p><p>"Lily!" he called and received no answer. "Lily,” he insisted, quieter this time, calmer. More threatening. “If you did not want me to follow you, you would have gone outside… with Potter. What are you playing at?"</p><p>She stopped but did not turn around.</p><p>"I am really mad at you, you know?" she whispered.</p><p>"Of course. I know. I have already told you…"</p><p>"Don't. Don't go again all sorry and…" He grabbed her arm to make her turn around.</p><p>"Don't touch me, Severus!"</p><p>"Fine, don't touch you," he sighed, putting his arms up in surrender. "I just want to ask you why did you kiss me? Was it a way of making me feel worse? Because it's working. It is really driving me mad." Tears began to form in his eyes but he tried to push them back. So much for not letting anybody see him cry. She had seen him twice in a week now. He clearly had not thought this whole following Lily plan through. Confronting her was hurting much worse than he had anticipated. She remained quiet for several seconds and then, finally spoke:</p><p>"I don't know… I realized that I was going to lose you forever and I… I panicked!"</p><p>"You will never lose me, Lily."</p><p>"Sev, I have already lost you…" she finally turned around with a glance that made Severus' chest ache.</p><p>"No. You know it is not true."</p><p>"It is… Severus, there is a war coming up and we are not going to pick the same side, I have already told you and you know that. I need to… I want to be with people who think like me, who do not think that muggleborns are not worthy of this," she gestured around her, to everything and nothing in particular.</p><p>"So that is what you are hanging out with Potter?"</p><p>"Mostly," her voice sounded daring.</p><p>"If you are looking for a good guy I'm not sure he is the type. I thought you knew that."</p><p>"Because of course, you do know a lot about bad guys."</p><p>"Yes. I do.”</p><p>“And how’s that going for you? Gone up the social ladder yet?” Severus was shocked to hear this from Lily, she had never shown awareness of his interest in gaining social status by keeping close to rich purebloods.</p><p>“I am not one of them." Although the odd traitorous tear was still falling down his face he managed to sound convincing. Just as daring as her.</p><p>"It does not look like that to me," she started crying with full force. Like she had been trying to hold it inside, quite successfully up until then, but it had all just become too much to bear. "You have no idea how much I would like for you to be on my side."</p><p>"Look, Lily, I have told you before! It is not about sides. It is not all black and white. You know there are certain times in which you have to say certain things that you do not mean to keep the ones you love safe, and that does not make you good or evil. I need to balance…"</p><p>"But I do not want you lying. I do not want this happening. I do not want this war. I do not. I… I really wish I was never I witch."</p><p>Severus gasped. That was like a punch in the stomach.</p><p>"Don't say that. You are really talented, and you know that." It felt that she was actually wishing she had never met him. <em>Uncared for. Brooding. Lonely Severus Snape. </em></p><p>"Why is this happening to us?" she was crying and shaking. It hurt Severus so much… but he could not do anything, not anymore.</p><p>"I don't know," he rested his weight against the wall, "I guess that people get obsessed overpower and…"</p><p>"No. Not the war."</p><p>He looked at her. At her beautiful face disrupted with tears and a hot pink tone. He could not help but remember how he felt when she kissed him. How much he wished to kiss her again. How much he wished the kiss had been more meaningful. But she would not want to. It was clear enough that she did not love him and even if she could have at some point, it was not like that anymore. This was the opportunity that the world had given Severus Snape to show that he was indeed not one of the bad guys. He just had to leave her alone and stop bothering her. Stop bringing her problems. If he stopped being friends with Lily for good, they wouldn’t pay so much attention to her in particular. She could go unnoticed by the blood purists. This was it. He just had to put her before his own feelings once and for all and just go away.</p><p>"I am sorry Lily. I truly am. For everything," he turned around, tears falling from his face.</p><p>"What the hell is going on here?" said Potter's voice behind him. Severus turned around and found both Black and Potter pointing their wands at him. He wondered, not for the first time, how they always managed to appear wherever he was in the worst moments. She moved towards the Gryffindors, positioning herself between them and Severus. Not this again.</p><p>"James, it’s okay. Don't worry about him. Let’s just go outside, I’ll join." The boy looked dubious and looked back at Snape, then back at Lily’s puffy eyes, and back at Snape, who, to his credit, had not drawn his wand. So Potter ended up lowering his, and following the girl who was pulling him by the arm toward the stairs.</p><p>"Fine," he said, not very convinced. "Come on Pads" he added as he hit the other boy in the shoulder. Lily did not look back.</p>
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          <p>Happy new year everyone!! ~~ I know it took me more than usual to update but the festivities got in the way.</p>
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<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Bang Bang (My Baby Shot Me Down)</h2></a>
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  <p>    <i>Bang Bang (My Baby Shot Me Down) ~ Nancy Sinatra</i></p>
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  <p>Seasons came and changed the time<br/>When I grew up, I called him mine<br/>He would always laugh and say<br/>"Remember when we used to play?"<br/>Bang bang, I shot you down<br/>Bang bang, you hit the ground<br/>Bang bang, that awful sound<br/>Bang bang, I used to shoot you down</p>
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    <p>Lily woke up drenched in sweat and a bit confused. The heaviness of sleep was still weighing on her as she tried to fully come back to this plane of existence and gather her thoughts. Luckily, she did not have any tests that day, but she realized that she still should wake up at a decent time and study. She was definitely falling behind on her reviewing. This helped to partially explain the intense anxiety and urgency she was feeling, but not entirely. Just as she began to question why she felt so agitated beside her exam-related anxiety, flashbacks from a dream she had been having began to appear in her mind. It was Severus all over. Severus hugging her. Severus taking her by the hand into an empty classroom. Severus laughing. Severus caressing her face. Why was she still obsessing over the boy? Why was she still dreaming about him?</p><p>Putting the pillow on her face and forcefully closing her eyes, she tried to stop the memories of the dream to keep on coming, but it was as if her mind had decided to open the floodgates of her obsession and every single detail was flashing before her. She could almost feel the caresses of dream-Severus’ hand on her shoulder as he took off her shirt. Lily could picture Severus' face perfectly, she was so sure that she knew every feature of his, every gesture, every quirk… and all those details that made her want to hold him and never let go were amplified in the dream version of the boy.</p><p>She missed him so much. A little part of her brain wondered, for a second too long, whether she should try to speak to Severus again, try to bring him back, back to where? To her? Having a wet dream had to be the worse reason in the world to decide to recover their friendship. Maybe she just needed a wank, and having thought of him for so long in relationship to her… urges, just made her go that specific scenario in her subconscious, which heightened some other emotions that she was not prepared to explore. So Lily placed her hand on her stomach, then moved her hand a little further and began to caress herself. First, her lower belly, teasing herself and, shortly after, into her underwear. She moved slowly just rubbing the outside, to the sides, arching her back, picturing Severus deliciously and slowly eating her out. She was already aroused and wet from her dream, so it took her very little to build up momentum and she was quickly approaching her orgasm.</p><p>With the realization, she decided to change pace, and she started to imagine Severus differently, not calm, not slowly caressing her, but angry. Angry at her, for leaving him behind, for spending time with Potter, jealous. She imagined him in front of her hastily unzipping his trousers and letting himself drop on top of her, almost violently. She readjusted the position of her hand put two fingers inside herself while pinching her hard nipples with her other hand. Her movements became quicker and frantic, as she imagined Severus would be when riled up. Losing control over his most aggressive instinct, the same way that the level of his voice went up without him realizing when he spoke of something that interested him. Just as passionate and fierce. Mercilessly absorbed in chasing release. She began to shake and hot pleasure shot through her as she tried to control the noise she might be making and steady her breathing. Feeling dirty and stupid for what she’d done, she didn’t let herself enjoy the blissful aftermath of her orgasm and quickly stood up to get into to shower. Yes, a cold shower, that’s what she really needed anyway.</p><p>After showering and getting dressed, she went down the Great Hall along with Mary to grab some breakfast. Mary asked her what she was planning on doing for the rest of the day and suggested going to the library. Lily did not know what she was going to do for the rest of the day besides concentrating with all her might in not thinking about Severus. As they sat at the Gryffindor table she heard people talking about the war and someone pushed the paper toward them. On the front page, there was a story about a muggle family who had been killed in Leeds. The dark mark spotted up in the sky near the premises. Most of the Gryffindors discussing the attack at the table hadn’t been aware that death eaters were spreading so far already around the country.</p><p>Lily felt her heart tightened. She wanted to cry. She had been awake for barely an hour and she had gone through a roller coaster of emotions already. She tried to calm herself thinking about the positive things in her life. Exams were not going great but they were going acceptably, so far. The weather was nice. Summer was close. She remembered the month she was going to spend with her cousin in London. With all the stress from the past week, she had almost completely forgotten about it. Yes. That was also good. A month with Susan in London. And then, an overwhelming sadness overcame her as the memory of her inviting Severus to come along hit her. Wouldn’t it be great to spend the summer together, away from all the fuckery that was destroying their friendship? She was aware that even when they were still on good terms Severus had told her that it would be very unlikely for him to be able to spend that month in London with her. Now it was even more absurd to think about the possibility. Well, you can’t blame a girl for dreaming.</p><p>* * *</p><p>Severus was sitting at the Slytherin table having breakfast. It was a very early Sunday morning so there were not many people in the Great Hall. Several days had already passed since his last little chat with Lily. He could not help looking for her eyes at the Gryffindor table as he had always done, receiving back a beautiful smile from the redhead. But that was not going to happen anymore, was it.</p><p>He concentrated on putting some jam on a piece of toast and silently working on his mental walls. He was not really hungry but he had not eaten much during these past days and he had to force something into his stomach if he did not want to start fainting. He was starting to really look uncared for. Suddenly, an owl threw a piece of parchment in front of him. He looked up and it was an unknown owl. Confused and intrigued he took the letter in his hands and saw very familiar writing.</p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>Severus,</p>
  <p>I do not even know why I'm daring to write this to you. First of all, I am using one of the school owls because I did not want people to know I was writing to you. Second, I have been thinking a lot about our fight… about the war and everything. There's people dying Sev. Did you read the papers yesterday? Three muggleborns were killed. This really scares me… The thing is that, I do not want this stupid confrontation to be the reason for us to stop being friends. I think that letting all this break us up would be like giving up, like saying that it is actually not possible for two people who are different to be friends and stay together. I would love to be able to show the world that Gryffindors and Slytherins can stay friends in this trying times, that muggleborns and purebloods are not so different. But, I need to know if you really think the same or not. I am still very hurt because of what you said the other day to me.</p>
  <p>I hope you understand that it is not a good time for us to talk on the corridors, as you said, and you were right, there are certain things that one needs to do in order to protect those you love, to keep them (and yourself) safe. The thing is that I miss talking to you. Please, if you feel the same way and you think that we can actually break the barriers between us write me back, if you do not, just pretend I never wrote this letter.</p>
  <p>p.s. I failed to properly express the other day how sorry and ashamed I am about that kiss. I did not really want to hurt you or anything… I was just overwhelmed by the situation and I guess that I got confused with my feelings. I am really really ashamed for having done that. I hope that won't change things between us.</p>
  <p>L.</p>
</blockquote><p>He felt the childish urge to run towards the Gryffindor tower, wait for her to come out of the portrait and shout his love for the girl. Tell her that there was nothing in the world that he wanted more than her kissing him. But that was just not the right thing to do. As the good guy he was, he would respect her and accept that it has just been, as she said, an act caused by heightened feelings that had confused her. Still, her use of the word <em>ashamed</em> (twice) was quite crushing.</p><p>She still called him Severus, instead of Sev. And she still felt bad for how he had insulted her. As she should. How could he explained to her that it had become a habit amongst the Slytherins, that he was just trying to avoid confrontation, that he actually wanted them to accept him, that he had been angry with Potter, with her, threatened by her smiling at the other boy, threatened by needing her to protect him when what he wanted was the opposite. He wanted to be the one in charge of protecting her, was it that wrong? Of course, he couldn’t share all those thoughts with Lily, despite the girl’s confidence in the wonders of sharing your worries and pains. She seemed to realize, though, that there were things that needed to be done to protect themselves, so that was good. Oh, and she missed him. That was definitely good.</p><p>Severus still had a lot of questions and suspicion. He supposed that it rang true that she had chosen to use the school owl so his Slytherin companions wouldn’t notice she was writing to him. But what if it was Potter that she did not want to know. What if it was about her other Gryffindor friends, those who had so eloquently told her just days before that he was and had always been a creep who did not deserve her friendship. Maybe she didn’t want to be proven wrong again and was just happy to let everyone know that she was now also aware that he was a creep and wanted nothing to do with him. Severus was not sure if it made a difference to him whether she wanted or not to keep her connections to him a secret, for the sake of appearances. After all, it would make it easier for him as well. Yet, she’d said that she wanted to <em>show the world</em>. Did she, really? It didn’t feel like she truly did.</p><p>He wanted her back, regardless. It crossed Severus’ mind that answering the letter and talking to her again – after the argument, after the kiss, after her telling him that the kiss had been a mishap, after seeing her leave with Potter… would just be keeping on going downhill. This girl was going to be the end of him. And yet, he knew that if she wanted to end him for good, he would just let her. He did have nothing to lose after all. At least, she seemed to be willing to be friends with him again, which was more than Severus had hoped for. <em>And she missed him</em>. He could not help but smile while writing her back.</p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>Dearest Lily,</p>
  <p>Do not doubt for even one second that I also think that our friendship is worth more than any stupid war. I already told you that you are very important to me. As you wisely point out, it is not the best of ideas to be seen together these days. I do not know how things are going to turn out and the last thing I want is for you to be in danger. Nevertheless, I would be really happy to keep in contact with you in any way possible. Maybe we can meet and talk once we are back home? We could talk face to face then. Please, let me know what you think would be best.</p>
  <p>Yours,</p>
  <p>Severus</p>
</blockquote><p>Just as he was finishing up his letter he saw a group of Gryffindors enter the Great Hall, among them was Lily, talking to the girl who he had spoken to the day he went to the Gryffindor tower, the day Lily kissed him. But of course, that has just been a stupid thing. Confused feelings. Severus had to keep reminding himself that it did not mean anything. <em>Ugly. Poor Severus Snape. </em>Right behind them, there was Potter and his crew. <em>Brooding. Hateful.</em> Severus noticed Lily briefly looked over at the Slytherin table, possibly checking whether or not he had read her letter. Severus wanted to smile at her but instead, he looked down at the table and went back to his breakfast, he was still not hungry at all. He put his hand inside his pocket to touch the letter that Lily had just sent him, to feel her near him, even though they were still too far away from each other.</p>
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<a name="section0009"><h2>9. I Want You to Love Me</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p></p><div class="center">
  <p> </p>
  <p>    <i>I Want You to Love Me ~ Fiona Apple</i></p>
  <p> </p>
  <p>Whenever you want to begin, begin<br/>We don't have to go back to where we been<br/>I am the woman who wants you to win<br/>And I've been waiting<br/>Waiting for<br/>You<br/>To love me<br/>You</p>
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    <p>Severus was studying in the library sitting in the area where he used to sit with Lily, who, by the way, was also sitting two tables away from him, with Potter by her side. Professor Binns had told them to read a couple of chapters from the coursebook, hinting at their likely appearance in their upcoming exam. Severus had been planning on going to the library to re-read the entire book. He was skimming through the pages as he realized that he was not going to be able to concentrate, much less read a whole book. The thought of having Lily sitting so close to him studying with stupid strutting Potter, who had never before been seen in the library or its vicinity, was too much for his brain to be working properly.</p><p>Three days have passed since he had sent the reply back to Lily and he had not received any answer in any form or shape. Did that mean that she was accepting his suggestion to simply meet once they were back home? Or was it the opposite? He was beginning to awfully regret having answered her letter. <em>Timid. Brooding. Uncared for.</em> <em>Lonely Severus Snape.</em> He tried to reassure himself. This is fine. Everything is fine. It is what you thought it should be. Just stay away from her. She had been right. They were meant to end in opposites sides of the war and there was nothing he could do for her if he chose to keep her by his side. It was still painful to wonder why she was being so fickle about the whole thing. One day she was angry, one day she was crying, one day she wanted to apologize. It was simply becoming too much to bear.</p><p>Severus needed these stupid exams to end already. But, what then? Go back home where everything was just as dreadful and every place he used to go in town reminded him of Lily? Really, he just needed to be done with school. And, what then? Join the Dark Lord and fully disappoint Lily? Not join the Dark Lord and suffer the consequences of not being able to be in control and protect her? He just wanted Lily to love him. To love him for whom he was. <em>Lonely, brooding, poor</em>. He looked over at the table where she was sitting, seemingly engrossed in her studying, and of course, still sitting next to Potter. Severus got up from the table leaving his things there, determined to come back later and try to actually do something. He went back to his dorm planning on lying on his bed and staring at the ceiling until it was dinnertime and Lily and that fucking idiot were not at the library anymore.</p><p>* * *</p><p>When Severus re-entered the library a couple of hours later, it was absolutely devoid of people. Not a single soul in sight. It was perfectly peaceful and quiet. He went back to his spot and sat down. Just when he was getting into the second paragraph of the text, he heard a noise behind him and instinctively grabbed his wand. But when he turned around, it wasn’t who he had feared it would be. He relaxed and put his wand back inside his robes. He wondered if relaxing was a good approach to the situation, this could end up being worse than facing Potter and Black.</p><p>“Hello,” said Lily, “Can I please sit down?”</p><p>“Of course.” He gestured for her to join him.</p><p>“I... I have received your answer.” She said, quietly, while sitting down on the bench across the table.</p><p>“I figured as much.” Then, there was an awkward silence. Was that everything that she had to say? It could not possibly be. “Why hadn’t you answered me back?” he dared question.</p><p>“I don’t know… I think I had not really expected you to answer me. I thought I would feel better about myself if ending our friendship wasn’t on me, you know. I wanted to write it so I could tell myself that it was not my fault that we were breaking apart. That it was your choice. You are the one who is choosing… them, over me. But it seems that you are keen on trying to prove me wrong,” she did not look at the boy in the eye while speaking.</p><p>“I don’t think is neither your fault nor mine,” he made a pause. <em>Hateful. Brooding. Uncared for</em>. He breathed. “Look, if you did not really mean what you wrote…”</p><p>“No!” she jumped, abruptly looking into Severus’ eyes causing his heart to speed up. “I mean it,” she was becoming quieter, again. “Especially the part where I said I am afraid.”</p><p>“Lily, I would really do anything to be able to keep you safe, to keep your friendship. To keep you with me.”</p><p>Lily’s eyes seemed to soften a little bit at his words. His heart melted but he concentrated with all his might in not letting it show.</p><p>“So, how do we go on about breaking the barriers, as you put it in your letter?”</p><p>“I’m not sure…” she began fidgeting with the hem of her uniform. “I guess I want to talk about what’s bothering me.”</p><p>“And what is that?”</p><p>“You like the Dark Arts.”</p><p>“Lily, please, try to understand. It’s not that I <em>like</em> them, I am interested. But I guess that the working answer to your question is yes. Even if it wasn't a question.” Lily remained silent and Severus wasn’t sure if his spurt of honesty was the wrong way to go about this attempted reconciliation. In any case, he had already set his mind to approach it with as much sincerity as possible. Without revealing too much, of course. “I will not lie to you. If you want to keep whatever it is that’s good between us, it is what it is. I would rather not change my intellectual interests if that’s okay with you.”</p><p>“What I cannot understand, Severus, is why would you feel attracted by dark magic. It is used to hurt people, you see how your friends use it. I don’t understand why you want to be friends with people who want to hurt me.”</p><p>“I’m not friends with most of them… not really.”</p><p>“Okay.”</p><p>“I’m friends with Narcissa though.”</p><p>“Narcissa?”</p><p>“Black.” He almost told her that she was to be married to Malfoy and, soon enough, will not be a Black anymore. In the end, he decided to refrain from telling. Lucius was worse than Narcissa when it came to blood purity crap. Narcissa being a Black and a sister to Bellatrix, who was beyond any reasonable doubt a known death eater at that point, looked bad enough on her own.</p><p>Lily’s mind began spiraling at hearing the name of the pureblood girl. What kind of relationship did Severus have with Narcissa Black? Did he maybe like her? Did he write her letters? Maybe like the one he had given her during Spring Break? Furtive images of her dream-Severus from the other morning began to flash before her, now mixed with images of Narcissa Black’s face. She did not want to break any barriers anymore, what she wanted to break was the Black girl’s supremacist pureblood ugly face. She almost didn’t dare ask, but she was feeling too emotional and the words were escaping her mouth before she had any time to give them a second thought.</p><p>“Do you spend any time with her?” that’s rich Lily, a great way to put it.</p><p>“We haven’t seen each other much this year since she left Hogwarts. We write to each other regularly. The book you saw, about Occlumency, was hers.”</p><p>So he did write her letters. Lily started feeling anxious. Maybe she should let Sev move on with his life, with these dark people that for whatever reason he seemed to have an affinity for. Maybe she was just clutching at straws now, or maybe she was a stupid jealous bitch who was bothered by Severus showing a liking for any other person that was not her. It was such a rare occurrence, that Lily had become accustomed to being special.</p><p>Severus, in his haste to defend himself, had not noticed that Lily’s question was motivated by jealousy rather than distrust regarding his true opinion about practicing dark magic. Hence, he stupidly opted for retaliation.</p><p>“What about yourself. I’ve seen you’ve taken to hanging around Potter.”</p><p>“He’s nice to me.”</p><p>“Indeed.”</p><p>“I’ve talked to him, about… you know, bothering people, and he says he’ll stop doing that.”</p><p>“In change for?”</p><p>“Not everything is a bargain, Severus.”</p><p>“Lily.”</p><p>“Hogsmeade. Tea, next weekend, after we are done with the exams.”</p><p>Severus scoffed.</p><p>“You know what, I think you are just jealous.” She said, adjusting her position and sitting up straight.</p><p>“That’s beside the point. And I am certainly not, you can very well do whatever you please.” Oh, he was. He was dying inside from all the jealousy. It was like a burning fire in the pit of his stomach that had ignited the moment he saw her leaving with Potter three days prior and that hadn’t subsided ever since.</p><p>He had gone for tea with Lily many times. It just didn’t seem to have the same implications. To Severus’ surprise, it was Lily who uttered an apology first.</p><p>“Okay. Sorry.” She physically relaxed again, leaning on the table a bit.</p><p>“Sorry?”</p><p>“Yes. Sorry. I’m working on being less snappy. I know I tend to… react poorly, without thinking, when I feel that I have my back against the wall.”</p><p>Like when I kissed you, Lily thought to herself.</p><p>Like when you kissed me, Severus thought to himself.</p><p>“No… it’s ok, you are right. You don’t have to apologize. I’m the one who’s sorry.”</p><p>“For what?”</p><p>“Everything? I… I don’t know Lily.” He put his head between his hands in desperation, softly massaging the top of his head, trying to both calm himself and prevent a headache.</p><p>“I see.”</p><p>“Maybe… maybe we’re forcing this, maybe you are right. Everything is too much.” Why was he saying that? That’s not what he wanted. He wanted her back. He wanted her with him. He looked up at her, letting his hands loudly drop onto the table. “I can’t…” His voice cracked. <em>Stupid. Brooding. Sniveling. </em></p><p>She swiftly and unexpectedly stood up and sat down on the bench next to him, putting her left hand on top of his right. In response, he moved his hand and held Lily’s, tight, as if hanging to dear life. Without looking at her and without thinking too much about it, he brought her hand to his lips and kissed it. It was just a quick kiss on the back of her hand, which he kept holding to his chest.</p><p>Lily’s heart was racing. She was sure that Severus could also hear it because the beats were deafening to her ears, she was feeling every heartbeat pulsing throughout her entire body.</p><p>“You told me that I could tell you things, that I should be honest with you.”</p><p>“Yes.” She answered, in a voice so low and throaty she didn’t recognize as her own.</p><p>“It hurts.” For a moment Severus didn’t know what he was planning on telling her. What did he have to lose anymore? Maybe if he told her how he felt she would be so repulsed that this agonizing process of losing her would just end once and for all. “It hurts that you’ve forgiven Potter, that you are… okay, with him. It feels dismissive. Toward me.”</p><p>“Sev… that’s not… I…” she turned around on the bench, to face him, but he kept looking straight ahead, with his face partly covered by his hair. Her hand though, still held tight against his chest. As she turned further, the position of her hand became awkward. He noticed, and he let go of her hand. No no no…. Lily breathed, deeply, trying to calm down. She felt so unsure of herself. What should she tell him?</p><p>“I understand what you are saying, and I haven’t… I don’t forgive Potter and the rest for how they’ve behaved, but I want to give people the opportunity to change. It’s what I want to do, with you.”</p><p>“You need me to change.”</p><p>“No, that's not what I meant. I like you, I… there’re things though that I can’t accept. I want you to recognize what it is that makes me feel bad.”</p><p>“I do understand, Lily. I don’t… I would never call you that a second time. I know that you don’t want to hear it again, but I am truly sorry. And I mean it, even if you don’t believe me.”</p><p>“I believe you. I really do want to believe you. But I need you to prove that to me, with actions. Because, as you said about Potter, it hurts that you are friends with Mulciber and the rest. It feels dismissive toward me. Toward who I am and I can’t help being.”</p><p>Severus turned abruptly to look her in the eye. His dark, almost threatening, panicked eyes felt like a punch.</p><p>“I told you, I am not their friend. I need them.”</p><p>“Yes, you‘ve said as much before.”</p><p>“Please, Lily. I understand why you feel uncomfortable with the situation, but you must see why it is important to me to be in their good graces.”</p><p>“I don’t want them to hurt you either. I don’t trust them.” She put her hand on his shoulder. “As I said, I get the idea that there are some things that need to be done, to keep safe. It’s fine.”</p><p>There was a long pause. It didn’t seem like it was fine.</p><p>“Lily, I meant what I said when I answered your letter. You are more important to me than the war. I… being with you, in your company, I mean. It makes me happy. And I need that. I need you.”</p><p>She almost did what her whole body was begging her to do, but she couldn’t allow herself to make that mistake again. Instead, she simply hugged him.</p><p>“I need you, too.” She whispered.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>So there's another chapter! I know my updates are quite irregular... but I was very excited to finish and post this one. I hope that I haven't made many grammar/spelling mistakes in my haste to share. I do try to go back to what I've written and fix those I find. </p><p>Thanks everyone for leaving comments, I really appreciate it &lt;3</p>
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